A new day

I feel a little better today. It helps to write about whatever is bothering me. I'm up and moving around the house. I'm going to get out of my pj's, check my email, and work on a project that's stuck in my head.

I'm going to Lift group at church tonight. It will be good for me to be around my girlfriends. They will help me "lift" my spirit.

Have a good day everyone.

the "What if's?"

I'm so sad tonight. My depression is bad right now. I try to hide it from everyone. I don't like to show my weaknesses. I don't want people to think I don't have faith in God or that I don't mean the positive statements I make.

I want to be a good example. I wonder what God wants me to do for him since I'm still alive. I've always believed it's to bring people closer to God by sharing my experiences. I feel like I'm failing right now, today, anyway. My feelings change from day to day.

I'm glad I can't see anyone while I'm writing this. I don't think I could admit my feelings directly to you.

I haven't changed out of my pj's in two days, or combed my hair. I've hardly moved from the couch and my muscles are getting so weak. I feel tired all the time. I don't want to find out if my tumor has grown. It's stressful and overwhelming to think about. There are so many "what if's". What if the tumor has grown a lot? What if they won't do open heart surgery when I have my lung transplant? What if I have to move out of state? What if I'm not strong enough to handle all of this?

I know God can take care of this for me. He is taking care of it. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I hang on to this fear and depression? I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life.

I know my feelings are temporary. I have good days too. I have to pull myself out of this funk. I am strong. I am in good hands. God is my rock. He will carry me through this. I have to believe this becuz it's the truth!

1. I'm thankful for God's love
2. Thankful for all the people who pray for me
3. Thankful for my sister, misty.
4. Thankful for Claudette
5. Thankful for Psalms

Thank you for reading.

I'm back home from OkCity where I saw my pulmonologist, Dr. Merza. It went well. I wasn't able to breathe very good that day, so they didn't have me do a six minute walk. They normally do the walk to keep record of how I do from visit to visit. They record my O2 sats and heart rate. They track how far I walk for the six minutes. I usually do pretty good. I keep it about the same every visit. This helps them determine if I need to increase my meds or, maybe, try something new. Anyhow, at my appointment we discussed getting a test done to check the tumor in my heart. They couldn't get it scheduled so we'll just have to see when we can make it happen. After that, the docs can determine if they will do a double lung transplant with open heart surgery or if I will have to go to a different hospital and get a double lung and heart transplant. We just have to see. There's nothing anyone can do right now except pray. My friend, Joan, says she's praying for a miracle.

I get tired of thinking about the medical stuff. I've dealt with my illness for 13 years, and sometimes I feel like I need a break from it! If only .... That is one reason for my arts and crafts. It's so nice to go in my craft room and busy myself with projects that use my creativity and that help my mind stay busy.

I told one of my aunts that I would put a few things I've made on here tonight so she can see them. She lives pretty far away, and we hardly ever get to see each other. I miss her a lot! I'll post pics at the end of this post.

Courage is my word for the year. I feel like I am handling "transplant talk" courageously. It's a scary thing to think about replacing my lungs with someone else's and open heart surgery at the same time. I'm turning it over to God. He can deal with it a lot better than I.

I was having trouble with my anxiety while I was in the City. I'm learning to talk myself through it. Usually, if something in my body doesn't feel right, especially, if its in my chest, I panic. I felt that way several times, so I would give myself permission to feel it and to be ok with it. It might sound strange, but it works for me.

I have lots more to write, but I'm very tired. I'll try to write again tomorrow.

1. Grateful for the safe trip
2. Thankful for Joan and Brenda visiting me and praying with and for me.
3. Thankful for the moisture.
4. My puppies
5. My home

So Blessed

What a great day! It was productive, full of people that I love, and busy enough to wear me out! I will sleep well tonight!

I watched two little boys today, and they were angels. They were so well behaved. It was the first time they had met, and they played so good together. I love them both. They have a special place in my heart.

I had an actual adult visitor, too, which was really nice. My friend, Jaci, from church came over and helped me organize my craft room. We only got a quarter of it done. Lol. I have a lot of stuff! I love my craft room. When we're finished organizing, I'll post some pics. Jaci is very good at this, much better than I am. I'm not a good organizer. I just get flustered and lost. I appreciate Jaci more than I can say. It's so nice to have her help and, even more nice, her friendship and company. I love her too!

I am sooo blessed! God is so good! I love him too! He always provides what I need plus bonuses.

1. I'm grateful for Jaci
2. Thankful for my ability to see the positive side of my illness
3. Thankful for the bonuses
4. Thankful that I was able to go to church Saturday night to meet a missionary from Africa and eat some awesome cookies
5. Thankful that my nephew, Tatum, is finally well.

I changed the name of my blog because I just feel it's moving in a different direction, and To Breathe Another Day fits it better.

Thanks for reading!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! I am sitting at home wishing I had someone to take me on a date. That hasn't happened in a long time.

I miss having a significant other sometimes, only sometimes. I miss snuggling on the couch or laying in bed laughing. I've done both of these by myself, but it's much more fun when someone else is there also.

Don't get me wrong, I do like my independence. I do what I want, and I don't feel like I have to try to look my best just for me. I think this holiday should be just for kids. Then I wouldn't even be feeling lonely tonight. It would be just another night.

I feel like I need to write tonight but the words aren't flowing like I want. I have these pent up emotions that are stuck in my chest. I want to feel positive for whoever reads this. I want to appear strong, not whiny or pitiful. I have it so good compared to so many, and here I am complaining. Usually when I feel like this something deeper is going on with me and I haven't identified it yet. Hmmm. What is it?

I see my doctor in the City next week. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, but it's just a checkup. Easy peasy lemon squeezy! We will probably shop while we're there. Yay! One of my favorite past-times!

I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going to renew my license, and go to Liberal to get a new wheelchair. I don't use it all the time, only when I'm walking far. I have two friends coming over in the morning to visit. I'm very happy about that. Tomorrow should be fun, nothing to worry about.

I don't know what it is. I'll just pray about it when I go to bed, and maybe God will reveal it to me, or just take it away. I don't want to be miserable over something I can't even identify. That's silly!!


1. Grateful for another day!
2. Thankful for Dr. Keasler, my chiropractor
3. So thankful that my friends are coming over tomorrow
3. Courage
4. Papa, my stepdad
5. Bray, he's a bright spot in my day.

Sorry about the mistakes in yesterday's post and, probably, in tonight's also. I reread this post, but I have a feeling I missed a few mistakes. We'll see!

Sweet dreams! Please remember me in your prayers and I'll remember you in mine.

Just another day

Today is Ash Wednesday. I really wanted to go to church but I'm not feeling well today. Some days I just don't have much energy. I layed on the couch most of the day. I've been drawing for some valentines day gifts to kids. I used sharpies and metallic markers to draw hearts and their names, just little cute stuff like that.

Yesterday I decorated a wooden letter M for my mom her last name starts with an M. I'll put a pic up of it. I glued Tim Holtz tissue paper onto the letter. Then I painted it using Pan Pastels. After that, I stamped all over it to give it more texture, and, presto!, it was finished. Mom really liked it. It's actually a Christmas present from my sister. I just decorated it for her. Luckily, misty had already given her the main present on Christmas Day because I'm really behind. Lol

1. I'm so grateful for our comfy furniture. I love to curl up when I'm not feeling well.

2. I'm thankful for my supportive family. I'm so blessed to have them.

3. Thankful for the moisture we gotten

4. Thankful that we can still afford to buy groceries. We had the best stew tonight for supper.

5. So very grateful for God's grace!!!

Goodnight everyone!

Handling my stress

I know I'm not alone in this emotion-driven habit I have, but sometimes it sure feels like it becuz I mostly do it when no one is around. Emotional binging on food. I mostly do it at night when I'm the only one still awake. I should just go to bed, but, no, I sit and "think about things".

I go to Oklahoma City next week to see my pulmonologist at Baptist integris Hospital. It's only my 4 mo check up but I still worry about it. I've been going to a pulmonologist regularly for 13 years now. I should be used to it by now. Lol This makes me want to eat!! Will I be able to do the 6 minute walk? Will I need any extra tests run? Will he say anything about transplant list? And on and on...

I've been cancer-free for 3 years now and that makes me closer to getting on the transplant list for my lungs. I need a cardiac MRI done to look at the myxoma in my heart. That is a tumor that grows slowly, is gelatinous, non-cancerous, and is shaped like broccoli. Weird, huh?!? This makes me eat! If the myxoma has grown the will try to get me on the transplant list faster because the only way they can take it out is by open heart surgery while transplanting my new lungs. I probably explained this in earlier post. I don't remember. Anyway, it scares me.

I have other things that I worry about but these are my major triggers for stress.

I do have some other ways of coping besides eating that I'll tell you about in a second. But first I have to say that I love love love to eat peanut butter and syrup. This week I've eaten it every night at about this time. Starting Wednesday, no more!!! I'm laying off sugar for a while I don't like the way I feel when I eat a lot of sugar. This is not an acceptable coping mechanism.

Another way of coping for me is drawing. I came across a style of drawing called zentangling. It's like major doodling there's a little bit more to it than that, but that's the major gist of it. I love it. It's so relaxing. I don't have to think about anything I just doodle different patterns. I saw it first on YouTube, then I looked it up through google. They say its good for children with ADD. It helps them to concentrate and focus. (Was that redundant?) I'll put a pic or 2 up that I doodled. It really does help me. You should check it out on YouTube or go to www.zentangle.com. It has tons of gorgeous zentangle art.

Of course, the other way I deal with my stress is crafting or art projects. I know I've talked about that in my other posts, but it is a big part of me now. It makes me so happy!

And, lastly, and most important is praying. I know that god listens to me, comforts me, cries with me. He's so awesome! I love him so much. Sure, I have doubts and fears and anger, but god knows me better than I know myself. He new me before I was born. He knows I'm only human, and as long as I keep my eyes on him he's going to take care of me.

I'm getting tire, I'm going to post a pic or two, say my gratefuls, and go to bed.

1. I'm grateful for god's love
2. For my mom
3. For my nurse Jesse.
4. For my stepdaughter, Elizabeth. She's going to have a baby! Yay
5. Aunt Kim. She gives me great "good morning" texts.

I'm getting there!

I just figured out how to blog from my phone. Yay! It seems so much less intimidating.

My word for the year is courage. I have a lot of fears in so many areas of my life so this word is perfect. I haven't shown people who are also crafters my art. I'm intimidated. I know I shouldn't be. Art should be the creation which makes me happy. I'll work on it. I need courage to fight my depression and health problems also. It's scary when I can't catch my breath or when it feels like my meds in my pump aren't working. I'm not ready to die. I have a lot to do first. I'm still figuring myself out.

I'm taking my first art class ever, and I'm so excited! It's called "Letter Love 201"by Joann Sharpe. It's great. We art making art using our own handwriting. I also signed up for another class by someone else but the name has slipped my mind temporarily I hope.

This is my first pic of a mixed media piece on canvas I did for a friend of mine inspired by Christy Tomlinson. She's an awesome artist. I watch her tutorials on YouTube all the time. I hope everyone likes it. My friend, Lindsey, loved it.

I almost forgot to say what I'm grateful for.
1. My church family- when they say they're going to pray for you, they mean it.
2. My nieces and nephews.
3. Courage
4. My Dad
5. Patience

Well, it's pretty obvious that this approach of accountability is not working for me.  I haven't been on my blog in a very long time.  I have been under the weather a lot this last year.  I'm weak and tired all the time.  I still love to make art in my craft room when I have the energy todo so.  Right now I am still working on Christmas presents.  I've decided to start posting pics of my art and craft projects on my blog so that I can share them with family and friends as soon as I figure it out.  I don't know how often I'm going to blog.  I'll see as I go. 

1. So grateful for all the artist who share their art and techniques on the internet.
2. Thankful for my family. They are so understanding of how slow i am getting their presents to them. lol
3. The nice sunny weather we are having today.
4. The morals and values my parents have gifted me.
5. My friends on facebook. I love the encouragement and laughs I get with friends that I normally wouldn't have contact with if there wasn't facebook.  They brighten my day.