HappyThanksgiving!

I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving! This year has gone by so fast.  Before we know it New Year's Day will be here, and then we start all over!  I love it! Every new year that I have is proof that God does miracles.

There is so many reasons for me to be thankful.  My health is good.  I may have physical limitations because of my illnes, but I can walk, talk, read, laugh, smile, and so on....  The positive is much higher than the negative.

I'm also grateful for our game reserve here in Guymon.  I love watching the buffalo and the elk.  It's so awesome how God created all the animals so perfectly.  Mom and I were out at the reserve a few months back, and it was rainin.  All of a sudden, a herd (8 or 9) of buffalo came running by us.  It looked like out of a movie.  It was so majestic!  God's handiwork is mind-blowing!!

Speaking of His handiwork, my nieces and nephews are here for the holiday, and they are all so smart and beautiful.  They are so fun to watch play.  Oh to be young and innocent!  Those were the days.  It seems like yesterday, me and my cousins were playing office and school together. 

I loved going to my Grandparent's house for the holidays.  It was so great seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  Laughter always filled the house.  It's still that way when we get together.  We're always laughing at someone or something, usually at my Mom and her sisters.  They are so funny.

Thirdly, I'm thankful for my church family.  I don't get out to church as often as I would like.  It's hard getting ready, especially in the mornings.  I get headaches a lot from not having enough oxygen. And, still, they are always there for me, praying and encouraging me.  They are so friendly and loving.  I love everyone there.

Also, I so thankful for my Uncle Eddie.  He used to come over every week, and we would talk and read our  Bibles.  He helped me get through some difficult times.  He always has such loving and wise things to say when he comments on this blog.  I love you, Uncle Eddie!

I know I've written about my Mom beforeon here, but I can never thank God enough for her.  She's amazing and gorgeous and loving and kind.  She so smart, and takes such good care of me that I would never be able to repay her.  Thank you, Mom.  I love you!

I've saved the most important for last! Jesus.  I'm so thankful for him dying on the cross for my sins.  If he can do something so painful and horrible, then I should be able to take care of this body that God has blessed me with.  If I think of Jesus's sacrifice, I should be able to eat healthily, exercise, take my meds like the doctor tells me.  I need to remind myself of this more often! 

So Happy Thanksgiving to all!  This week I will start on the stages of grief.  I thought this was more appropriate for the holiday.

Thanks for reading,
 
Michelle 

Hope

Am I prepared to give a reason for the hope that is in me?  Thank you for the question.  In Col.1:5,6 it says that we have hope stored up for us in heaven.  I didn't know that verse until my Mom told me about it the other day.  I had to go through a grieving process before I felt hope.  Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.  I spent a lot of time in depression. 
    Before I was sick, I had been in recovery for alcoholism and drug addiction.  They talk a lot about the grieving process because so many people in recovery have lost loved ones and don't know how to deal with it. 

Whenever the doc told me what was wrong, I couldn't believe it.  I had finally gotten my life together.  I was sober, just got a promotion at work, and had only been married 3 mo's.  I had work so hard to accomplish these things, not to mention, working on my anxiety and panic attacks, depression, and self-esteem.  How could this be happening now?  Am I being punished?

I prayed so much.  Kept doing my gratitude list.  Went to aa meetings.  Whatever kept me sane, I did.  God was watching over me.  I know because no matter what health problem arose, God took care of me.  The doctors could only do so much.  I felt I didn't have any choice except to turn to God.

Even though I still get depressed, I am happy too.  The more I lean on God, the better I feel mentally which helps me feel better physically.

What is the worst thing that can happen to me?  Die?  I believe I'm going to heaven so my fear in that is only temporary. 

I hope they find a cure in my lifetime.  I have faith that I will be healed (in God's time).  I look at hope as believing something can happen, like a cure.  Faith is knowing that something is going to happen.

I believe everything I go through happens for a reason.  I can use my illness to glorify God.  Tell my story and maybe help someone else.  Through pain we grow.  My spirituallity has blossomed since I've been sick.  Sometimes I feel happier than before I was diagnosed.  I am closer to my family, to God.  I have realized who my true friends are. 

When I celebrated my 40th birthday, it was the most awesome feeling.  I never thought I would live that long.  Every day is a blessing or a lesson.

I hope I was able to give you a clear answer.  Every life is a gift, even if only temporary.  I am thankful for this life God has given me.  He has blessed me over and over. 

Gratitudes:

1. family
2. my health
3. hope
4. faith
5. Jesus dying for me

I'm finally back home.  It feels so good to be in my own bed.  I loved staying at Michael and Rachelle's, but it's good to be home.  I can't believe how hard it is to function without having my normal routine and space.  Everything is slowly getting back to normal.  I will be able to blog more with my own computer.


Thanx for reading and commenting,

Michelle

This was an older one that I never posted.  I thought I should go ahead a post it.  I apologize for

Apologies

Thank you, everyone, for your comments.  I take all of them to heart.  I appreciate the great advice.

Even though I am not posting a blog every day, I am reading my Bible every day.  It will be better when I am back home and on my own computer. But, for now, I will give you todays gratitude list and call it a night. 

If there are any readers out there who are ill and would like to ask me questions or have suggestions for a topic you would like me to write about let me know.

I have heard that some peoples comments aren't showing up.  Try posting your comment and clicking on anonymous.  That is how my Mom is able to post hers.

1. My Mom's Birthday going so well

2. My Grandpa, he's an awesome Christian man whom I admire and love very much

3. My Family's safe trips

4. Rachelle's enchiladas!

5. My Health

I'll write more later. Thanks everyone!

Michelle

A Moment of Clarity

Now that I am feeling better, I need to get back on track.  I believe that if you aren't moving forward spiritually, you are probably falling back.  I want to continue to move forward, be as close to God as I can be, and do what God asks of me.

Last April or May I was in the hospital because of my asthma and pneumonia.  I was in the Guymon Hospital and then transferred to OKC hospital for 2 weeks total.  While I was in okc, I prayed and read my Bible as well as I could being sick, and I felt so far from God. I know the steroids I was taking make me paranoid, but I prayed and prayed for God to make me feel some peace even though I was so sick.  I wanted to feel like I was going to be ok, and I didn't.

This made me angry because it seemed like God was answering my prayers just like I wanted him to up until this point.  If I had a headache, I would lay in bed and pray for God to take it away, and he would.  I prayed for God to make me better, and I have been getting better and better over the years.  I could not understand why he wasn't giving me peace and hope right when I wanted it in the hospital.  I was angry.

I know God is much greater than I am.  He understands things that I can't even comprehend.  He can turn water to wine, and I can barely make tea that tastes good.  So why do I feel a grudge and let down?  He knows better what I need and when I need it. 

I quit reading my Bible after that hospital stay.  Of course I believe in him, have faith in him, but will he be there for me in the end?  Really?  I am scared, and I am ashamed to admit it.  I talk about this too much I know, but I am coming to this realization as I am writing.  The real reason I've been angry with him is because I'm afraid he won't be there to help me in the end.  I didn't realize this is what's getting in the way.  How can I be the strong Christian woman I want to be when I am so  afraid of this?

If I didn't feel like I had an obligation to give you the truth, I would erase this right now.  I don't like to admit my fears.  Please pray for me.  I don't want to bear this burden alone anymore.  I'm tired of it.  I want to feel free. 

Of course I don't feel this way all the time, but it is always at the back of my mind waiting to rear it's ugly head.  DEATH, DEATH !!   "Ooh, you ain't so bad!  You ain't so bad!"  That's what I would like to say.

Ok. It's late and I'm getting carried away.  So, I need to start reading my Bible daily, again.  I need to get back on track.  The consequence to this truth is one I don't want to mess with.  I need Jesus in my life for my sanity, for one, and all the other apparent reasons.

Your job is to ask me if I'm reading my Bible every day.  I don't want to let down my peeps! LOL  So, ask me.  I'll tell the truth, promise.

It's getting really late.  Time for my gratitude list:

1. Laughter- it feels so good!

2. God's sense of humor

3. I'm very grateful for having writing as an outlet.  It really helps me think and release.

4. Trust

5. The Bible, I can't imagine not having it.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams!!

Michelle

A Soul

Whenever I'm sick, I think about death even more than usual.  Am I going to be in a lot of pain?  Where will I be when it happens?  Will I be alone?  So many questions that I really don't want to know the answers too.  I suppose it's a fear of the unknown.

There is one thing I do know.  I am going to heaven.  Everything that I seem so concerned with sort of happens on my journey. So today I thought about my journey a little differently.

I am a soul.  My earthly body is just a personality (I heard it explained that way on Oprah.).  So, I am taking my body out of the picture.  What, how, where, etc. doesn't matter.  My soul is what is important, not my body.  If I'm going to think about dying, then I'm going to think of the good part of the journey.

I'm like a bubble that a child blows through one of those rings.  I'm on that last breath.  Floating.  Out the window, above the street.  I don't have to try to walk and run out of breath.  I just float on a breeze.  It's so warm.  I can feel God's love shining on me, thru me.  I'm drifting through a meadow of tall grass and wild flowers, bouncing from one blade of grass to the next.  Bouncing and bouncing, and floating so easily and carefree.  No worries, no struggling, no panic, and no stress.  Just flowing on my journey to God. 

I land on a wave and just ride it effortlessly.  The rocking of the water is so calming and peaceful.  Soon I lift off on the wind and it carries me up and up, but I never feel far away from my comfort zone because I'm right where God wants me, with him.

That was my meditation today.  I needed a break from my chaos. 

Gratitude List

1. Grateful God gave me an imagination.

2. So glad that God knows everything about me, why I do the things I do, how I really am feeling physically

3. Always thankful for my health

4. I'm very blessed to have Jon, my specialty pharmacist, in OKC.  He's been with me for 11 yrs. this month.

5. I'm so grateful for the strides that the medical field has made over the yrs trying to cure all these awful diseases.  These professionals come from God.  He is working through them.

I'm so glad I feel better.  When I started this blog, I had no idea I was going to get sick and miss days of writing this soon after starting it.  Everything happens for a reasons.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

Michelle