Bartering is the 2nd stage of grieving, as I learned it. For some people, the stages may be labeled differently.
In treatment they explained bartering as "praying to the porcelain god after a night of hard drinking". "Please, God, if you make me feel better, I promise I won't drink again!" I remember that prayer. As soon as I felt better, I was ready to drink myself sick over and over. Dumb and crazy.
After I was diagnosed with pph, I did some bargaining with God, or I tried to bargain with him. I told him that I promised I would be a better person. I know I can be better, I promise I will. Please let this be a mistake, God, please!
The first day back home from the hospital after my diagnosis that I was alone, I just collapsed to the floor and I was crying and crying. I just kept asking God why, why is this happening now? I'm trying to be better. Please, please I know I can be better. I know I can. I can get more counseling. I can work more on my character defects. Just please, please, please not now.
In the past I probably wouldn't have cared as much because I was so depressed and stayed messed up all the time. But when I was diagnosed, I had changed for the better.
That day is the last time I ever thought God was punishing me for being bad. After that I turned the anger inward to me. My bargaining stage didn't last long, maybe a couple of weeks. Anger is the next stage and it was and sometimes still is a stage that I really stayed in for a while. There's more to it than that. I'll write about it next week. It could be a long one. LOL
I've been really disappointed with myself this week. I'm not getting everything done that I want to for Christmas. It's not really that much. It just seems like it to me because I get tired so easily. I've been falling asleep a lot in the evenings, and when I wake up it's time to go to bed, but I stay up on the computer playing games. It keeps my mind busy without much physical activity. I think it's my "go to" if I'm wanting to not think about things like how I feel, self-pity stuff, things I need to get done, and on and on.
Before I went and stayed with my brother, a couple months ago, I had a good routine. I would be in bed by 11 o'clock. Then I would read or type. Now, I have not tried to get my routine back, and I'm not happy the way things are. I need my routine. That's what I'm going to work on this week. I guess you'll find out if I succeed. I let you know.
Please say a pray or 2 for me. I'm feeling pretty miserable.
Gratitudes
1. Internet
2. My elders
3. Misty, my sister
4. My health
5. Book of Job
One verse I really like is in Jeremiah when God says, "I knew you before you were born". I might have already said that in a previous post, but that is how much I like it. It's so comforting. I'm already feeling better mentally just from writing this. :)
Thanks for listening,
Michelle
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Denial
Hello! It's so cold out. I hope it snows!
I wanted to write about the stages of grieving. I learned them in treatment. They are denial, barter, anger, depression, and acceptance. I'm sure different people might use different wording for these stages, but they will basically mean the same.
Denial
I've been thinking about this stage all week. I don't remember being in denial about my illnesses. I was so sick when they diagnosed me with pph that I was relieved they found what was wrong. I knew for a while that something wasn't right with my health. I kept going to doctors to find out what it was. Other people didn't believe that I was sick. Some thought it was my weight. I weighed 282 lbs. when I was diagnosed. I can see why some might think that was the cause. Since then I've lost over 150lbs.
I was probably in denial about my weight more than my disease until I got on a scale!
I was in denial about being an alcoholic for a long time. I kept thinking that I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day. That's what I thought the first time I went to treatment. Ok. I wasn't going to write about this, but why not? It could help some one else.
When I was 21, I lived in Amarillo, Tx. I wasn't drinking every day, but it had become a problem. I was calling in sick because of hangovers, spending all my money on alcohol, blacking out, etc. I was starting to get depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. One night after the bar was closed I went home and slit my wrist. After that people (family members) were trying to get me into treatment. I didn't want to go. I did not think I had a problem. They just kept bugging me. Finally I decided to go to get them off my back. I wanted to prove to them that I didn't have a problem. The treatment place said for me not to drink before I was scheduled to check in. I think it was only 4 or 5 days of waiting. So, I drank Nyqhil. That's sick I know. That was denial! I stayed sober for only 2 weeks after I got out of there.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I always thought I could control how much alcohol I was going to drink, but it never happened. That's insanity. If doctors diagnose you with an illness, but you keep going to different doctors to get a better diagnosis, that's insanity. Admitting that you have the illness or that you are an alcoholic is a step towards sanity and the end of denial.
Gratitudes
1. My health
2.The changing of the seasons
3. All things cozy!
4. Love, God's love
5. All my special friend's
I am so blessed! God takes good care of me!!
Thank you,
Michelle
I wanted to write about the stages of grieving. I learned them in treatment. They are denial, barter, anger, depression, and acceptance. I'm sure different people might use different wording for these stages, but they will basically mean the same.
Denial
I've been thinking about this stage all week. I don't remember being in denial about my illnesses. I was so sick when they diagnosed me with pph that I was relieved they found what was wrong. I knew for a while that something wasn't right with my health. I kept going to doctors to find out what it was. Other people didn't believe that I was sick. Some thought it was my weight. I weighed 282 lbs. when I was diagnosed. I can see why some might think that was the cause. Since then I've lost over 150lbs.
I was probably in denial about my weight more than my disease until I got on a scale!
I was in denial about being an alcoholic for a long time. I kept thinking that I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day. That's what I thought the first time I went to treatment. Ok. I wasn't going to write about this, but why not? It could help some one else.
When I was 21, I lived in Amarillo, Tx. I wasn't drinking every day, but it had become a problem. I was calling in sick because of hangovers, spending all my money on alcohol, blacking out, etc. I was starting to get depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. One night after the bar was closed I went home and slit my wrist. After that people (family members) were trying to get me into treatment. I didn't want to go. I did not think I had a problem. They just kept bugging me. Finally I decided to go to get them off my back. I wanted to prove to them that I didn't have a problem. The treatment place said for me not to drink before I was scheduled to check in. I think it was only 4 or 5 days of waiting. So, I drank Nyqhil. That's sick I know. That was denial! I stayed sober for only 2 weeks after I got out of there.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I always thought I could control how much alcohol I was going to drink, but it never happened. That's insanity. If doctors diagnose you with an illness, but you keep going to different doctors to get a better diagnosis, that's insanity. Admitting that you have the illness or that you are an alcoholic is a step towards sanity and the end of denial.
Gratitudes
1. My health
2.The changing of the seasons
3. All things cozy!
4. Love, God's love
5. All my special friend's
I am so blessed! God takes good care of me!!
Thank you,
Michelle
Friday, November 25, 2011
HappyThanksgiving!
I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving! This year has gone by so fast. Before we know it New Year's Day will be here, and then we start all over! I love it! Every new year that I have is proof that God does miracles.
There is so many reasons for me to be thankful. My health is good. I may have physical limitations because of my illnes, but I can walk, talk, read, laugh, smile, and so on.... The positive is much higher than the negative.
I'm also grateful for our game reserve here in Guymon. I love watching the buffalo and the elk. It's so awesome how God created all the animals so perfectly. Mom and I were out at the reserve a few months back, and it was rainin. All of a sudden, a herd (8 or 9) of buffalo came running by us. It looked like out of a movie. It was so majestic! God's handiwork is mind-blowing!!
Speaking of His handiwork, my nieces and nephews are here for the holiday, and they are all so smart and beautiful. They are so fun to watch play. Oh to be young and innocent! Those were the days. It seems like yesterday, me and my cousins were playing office and school together.
I loved going to my Grandparent's house for the holidays. It was so great seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins. Laughter always filled the house. It's still that way when we get together. We're always laughing at someone or something, usually at my Mom and her sisters. They are so funny.
Thirdly, I'm thankful for my church family. I don't get out to church as often as I would like. It's hard getting ready, especially in the mornings. I get headaches a lot from not having enough oxygen. And, still, they are always there for me, praying and encouraging me. They are so friendly and loving. I love everyone there.
Also, I so thankful for my Uncle Eddie. He used to come over every week, and we would talk and read our Bibles. He helped me get through some difficult times. He always has such loving and wise things to say when he comments on this blog. I love you, Uncle Eddie!
I know I've written about my Mom beforeon here, but I can never thank God enough for her. She's amazing and gorgeous and loving and kind. She so smart, and takes such good care of me that I would never be able to repay her. Thank you, Mom. I love you!
I've saved the most important for last! Jesus. I'm so thankful for him dying on the cross for my sins. If he can do something so painful and horrible, then I should be able to take care of this body that God has blessed me with. If I think of Jesus's sacrifice, I should be able to eat healthily, exercise, take my meds like the doctor tells me. I need to remind myself of this more often!
So Happy Thanksgiving to all! This week I will start on the stages of grief. I thought this was more appropriate for the holiday.
Thanks for reading,
Michelle
There is so many reasons for me to be thankful. My health is good. I may have physical limitations because of my illnes, but I can walk, talk, read, laugh, smile, and so on.... The positive is much higher than the negative.
I'm also grateful for our game reserve here in Guymon. I love watching the buffalo and the elk. It's so awesome how God created all the animals so perfectly. Mom and I were out at the reserve a few months back, and it was rainin. All of a sudden, a herd (8 or 9) of buffalo came running by us. It looked like out of a movie. It was so majestic! God's handiwork is mind-blowing!!
Speaking of His handiwork, my nieces and nephews are here for the holiday, and they are all so smart and beautiful. They are so fun to watch play. Oh to be young and innocent! Those were the days. It seems like yesterday, me and my cousins were playing office and school together.
I loved going to my Grandparent's house for the holidays. It was so great seeing all my aunts and uncles and cousins. Laughter always filled the house. It's still that way when we get together. We're always laughing at someone or something, usually at my Mom and her sisters. They are so funny.
Thirdly, I'm thankful for my church family. I don't get out to church as often as I would like. It's hard getting ready, especially in the mornings. I get headaches a lot from not having enough oxygen. And, still, they are always there for me, praying and encouraging me. They are so friendly and loving. I love everyone there.
Also, I so thankful for my Uncle Eddie. He used to come over every week, and we would talk and read our Bibles. He helped me get through some difficult times. He always has such loving and wise things to say when he comments on this blog. I love you, Uncle Eddie!
I know I've written about my Mom beforeon here, but I can never thank God enough for her. She's amazing and gorgeous and loving and kind. She so smart, and takes such good care of me that I would never be able to repay her. Thank you, Mom. I love you!
I've saved the most important for last! Jesus. I'm so thankful for him dying on the cross for my sins. If he can do something so painful and horrible, then I should be able to take care of this body that God has blessed me with. If I think of Jesus's sacrifice, I should be able to eat healthily, exercise, take my meds like the doctor tells me. I need to remind myself of this more often!
So Happy Thanksgiving to all! This week I will start on the stages of grief. I thought this was more appropriate for the holiday.
Thanks for reading,
Michelle
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Hope
Am I prepared to give a reason for the hope that is in me? Thank you for the question. In Col.1:5,6 it says that we have hope stored up for us in heaven. I didn't know that verse until my Mom told me about it the other day. I had to go through a grieving process before I felt hope. Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I spent a lot of time in depression.
Before I was sick, I had been in recovery for alcoholism and drug addiction. They talk a lot about the grieving process because so many people in recovery have lost loved ones and don't know how to deal with it.
Whenever the doc told me what was wrong, I couldn't believe it. I had finally gotten my life together. I was sober, just got a promotion at work, and had only been married 3 mo's. I had work so hard to accomplish these things, not to mention, working on my anxiety and panic attacks, depression, and self-esteem. How could this be happening now? Am I being punished?
I prayed so much. Kept doing my gratitude list. Went to aa meetings. Whatever kept me sane, I did. God was watching over me. I know because no matter what health problem arose, God took care of me. The doctors could only do so much. I felt I didn't have any choice except to turn to God.
Even though I still get depressed, I am happy too. The more I lean on God, the better I feel mentally which helps me feel better physically.
What is the worst thing that can happen to me? Die? I believe I'm going to heaven so my fear in that is only temporary.
I hope they find a cure in my lifetime. I have faith that I will be healed (in God's time). I look at hope as believing something can happen, like a cure. Faith is knowing that something is going to happen.
I believe everything I go through happens for a reason. I can use my illness to glorify God. Tell my story and maybe help someone else. Through pain we grow. My spirituallity has blossomed since I've been sick. Sometimes I feel happier than before I was diagnosed. I am closer to my family, to God. I have realized who my true friends are.
When I celebrated my 40th birthday, it was the most awesome feeling. I never thought I would live that long. Every day is a blessing or a lesson.
I hope I was able to give you a clear answer. Every life is a gift, even if only temporary. I am thankful for this life God has given me. He has blessed me over and over.
Gratitudes:
1. family
2. my health
3. hope
4. faith
5. Jesus dying for me
I'm finally back home. It feels so good to be in my own bed. I loved staying at Michael and Rachelle's, but it's good to be home. I can't believe how hard it is to function without having my normal routine and space. Everything is slowly getting back to normal. I will be able to blog more with my own computer.
Thanx for reading and commenting,
Michelle
This was an older one that I never posted. I thought I should go ahead a post it. I apologize for
Before I was sick, I had been in recovery for alcoholism and drug addiction. They talk a lot about the grieving process because so many people in recovery have lost loved ones and don't know how to deal with it.
Whenever the doc told me what was wrong, I couldn't believe it. I had finally gotten my life together. I was sober, just got a promotion at work, and had only been married 3 mo's. I had work so hard to accomplish these things, not to mention, working on my anxiety and panic attacks, depression, and self-esteem. How could this be happening now? Am I being punished?
I prayed so much. Kept doing my gratitude list. Went to aa meetings. Whatever kept me sane, I did. God was watching over me. I know because no matter what health problem arose, God took care of me. The doctors could only do so much. I felt I didn't have any choice except to turn to God.
Even though I still get depressed, I am happy too. The more I lean on God, the better I feel mentally which helps me feel better physically.
What is the worst thing that can happen to me? Die? I believe I'm going to heaven so my fear in that is only temporary.
I hope they find a cure in my lifetime. I have faith that I will be healed (in God's time). I look at hope as believing something can happen, like a cure. Faith is knowing that something is going to happen.
I believe everything I go through happens for a reason. I can use my illness to glorify God. Tell my story and maybe help someone else. Through pain we grow. My spirituallity has blossomed since I've been sick. Sometimes I feel happier than before I was diagnosed. I am closer to my family, to God. I have realized who my true friends are.
When I celebrated my 40th birthday, it was the most awesome feeling. I never thought I would live that long. Every day is a blessing or a lesson.
I hope I was able to give you a clear answer. Every life is a gift, even if only temporary. I am thankful for this life God has given me. He has blessed me over and over.
Gratitudes:
1. family
2. my health
3. hope
4. faith
5. Jesus dying for me
I'm finally back home. It feels so good to be in my own bed. I loved staying at Michael and Rachelle's, but it's good to be home. I can't believe how hard it is to function without having my normal routine and space. Everything is slowly getting back to normal. I will be able to blog more with my own computer.
Thanx for reading and commenting,
Michelle
This was an older one that I never posted. I thought I should go ahead a post it. I apologize for
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Apologies
Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I take all of them to heart. I appreciate the great advice.
Even though I am not posting a blog every day, I am reading my Bible every day. It will be better when I am back home and on my own computer. But, for now, I will give you todays gratitude list and call it a night.
If there are any readers out there who are ill and would like to ask me questions or have suggestions for a topic you would like me to write about let me know.
I have heard that some peoples comments aren't showing up. Try posting your comment and clicking on anonymous. That is how my Mom is able to post hers.
1. My Mom's Birthday going so well
2. My Grandpa, he's an awesome Christian man whom I admire and love very much
3. My Family's safe trips
4. Rachelle's enchiladas!
5. My Health
I'll write more later. Thanks everyone!
Michelle
Even though I am not posting a blog every day, I am reading my Bible every day. It will be better when I am back home and on my own computer. But, for now, I will give you todays gratitude list and call it a night.
If there are any readers out there who are ill and would like to ask me questions or have suggestions for a topic you would like me to write about let me know.
I have heard that some peoples comments aren't showing up. Try posting your comment and clicking on anonymous. That is how my Mom is able to post hers.
1. My Mom's Birthday going so well
2. My Grandpa, he's an awesome Christian man whom I admire and love very much
3. My Family's safe trips
4. Rachelle's enchiladas!
5. My Health
I'll write more later. Thanks everyone!
Michelle
Friday, November 4, 2011
A Moment of Clarity
Now that I am feeling better, I need to get back on track. I believe that if you aren't moving forward spiritually, you are probably falling back. I want to continue to move forward, be as close to God as I can be, and do what God asks of me.
Last April or May I was in the hospital because of my asthma and pneumonia. I was in the Guymon Hospital and then transferred to OKC hospital for 2 weeks total. While I was in okc, I prayed and read my Bible as well as I could being sick, and I felt so far from God. I know the steroids I was taking make me paranoid, but I prayed and prayed for God to make me feel some peace even though I was so sick. I wanted to feel like I was going to be ok, and I didn't.
This made me angry because it seemed like God was answering my prayers just like I wanted him to up until this point. If I had a headache, I would lay in bed and pray for God to take it away, and he would. I prayed for God to make me better, and I have been getting better and better over the years. I could not understand why he wasn't giving me peace and hope right when I wanted it in the hospital. I was angry.
I know God is much greater than I am. He understands things that I can't even comprehend. He can turn water to wine, and I can barely make tea that tastes good. So why do I feel a grudge and let down? He knows better what I need and when I need it.
I quit reading my Bible after that hospital stay. Of course I believe in him, have faith in him, but will he be there for me in the end? Really? I am scared, and I am ashamed to admit it. I talk about this too much I know, but I am coming to this realization as I am writing. The real reason I've been angry with him is because I'm afraid he won't be there to help me in the end. I didn't realize this is what's getting in the way. How can I be the strong Christian woman I want to be when I am so afraid of this?
If I didn't feel like I had an obligation to give you the truth, I would erase this right now. I don't like to admit my fears. Please pray for me. I don't want to bear this burden alone anymore. I'm tired of it. I want to feel free.
Of course I don't feel this way all the time, but it is always at the back of my mind waiting to rear it's ugly head. DEATH, DEATH !! "Ooh, you ain't so bad! You ain't so bad!" That's what I would like to say.
Ok. It's late and I'm getting carried away. So, I need to start reading my Bible daily, again. I need to get back on track. The consequence to this truth is one I don't want to mess with. I need Jesus in my life for my sanity, for one, and all the other apparent reasons.
Your job is to ask me if I'm reading my Bible every day. I don't want to let down my peeps! LOL So, ask me. I'll tell the truth, promise.
It's getting really late. Time for my gratitude list:
1. Laughter- it feels so good!
2. God's sense of humor
3. I'm very grateful for having writing as an outlet. It really helps me think and release.
4. Trust
5. The Bible, I can't imagine not having it.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams!!
Michelle
Last April or May I was in the hospital because of my asthma and pneumonia. I was in the Guymon Hospital and then transferred to OKC hospital for 2 weeks total. While I was in okc, I prayed and read my Bible as well as I could being sick, and I felt so far from God. I know the steroids I was taking make me paranoid, but I prayed and prayed for God to make me feel some peace even though I was so sick. I wanted to feel like I was going to be ok, and I didn't.
This made me angry because it seemed like God was answering my prayers just like I wanted him to up until this point. If I had a headache, I would lay in bed and pray for God to take it away, and he would. I prayed for God to make me better, and I have been getting better and better over the years. I could not understand why he wasn't giving me peace and hope right when I wanted it in the hospital. I was angry.
I know God is much greater than I am. He understands things that I can't even comprehend. He can turn water to wine, and I can barely make tea that tastes good. So why do I feel a grudge and let down? He knows better what I need and when I need it.
I quit reading my Bible after that hospital stay. Of course I believe in him, have faith in him, but will he be there for me in the end? Really? I am scared, and I am ashamed to admit it. I talk about this too much I know, but I am coming to this realization as I am writing. The real reason I've been angry with him is because I'm afraid he won't be there to help me in the end. I didn't realize this is what's getting in the way. How can I be the strong Christian woman I want to be when I am so afraid of this?
If I didn't feel like I had an obligation to give you the truth, I would erase this right now. I don't like to admit my fears. Please pray for me. I don't want to bear this burden alone anymore. I'm tired of it. I want to feel free.
Of course I don't feel this way all the time, but it is always at the back of my mind waiting to rear it's ugly head. DEATH, DEATH !! "Ooh, you ain't so bad! You ain't so bad!" That's what I would like to say.
Ok. It's late and I'm getting carried away. So, I need to start reading my Bible daily, again. I need to get back on track. The consequence to this truth is one I don't want to mess with. I need Jesus in my life for my sanity, for one, and all the other apparent reasons.
Your job is to ask me if I'm reading my Bible every day. I don't want to let down my peeps! LOL So, ask me. I'll tell the truth, promise.
It's getting really late. Time for my gratitude list:
1. Laughter- it feels so good!
2. God's sense of humor
3. I'm very grateful for having writing as an outlet. It really helps me think and release.
4. Trust
5. The Bible, I can't imagine not having it.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams!!
Michelle
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A Soul
Whenever I'm sick, I think about death even more than usual. Am I going to be in a lot of pain? Where will I be when it happens? Will I be alone? So many questions that I really don't want to know the answers too. I suppose it's a fear of the unknown.
There is one thing I do know. I am going to heaven. Everything that I seem so concerned with sort of happens on my journey. So today I thought about my journey a little differently.
I am a soul. My earthly body is just a personality (I heard it explained that way on Oprah.). So, I am taking my body out of the picture. What, how, where, etc. doesn't matter. My soul is what is important, not my body. If I'm going to think about dying, then I'm going to think of the good part of the journey.
I'm like a bubble that a child blows through one of those rings. I'm on that last breath. Floating. Out the window, above the street. I don't have to try to walk and run out of breath. I just float on a breeze. It's so warm. I can feel God's love shining on me, thru me. I'm drifting through a meadow of tall grass and wild flowers, bouncing from one blade of grass to the next. Bouncing and bouncing, and floating so easily and carefree. No worries, no struggling, no panic, and no stress. Just flowing on my journey to God.
I land on a wave and just ride it effortlessly. The rocking of the water is so calming and peaceful. Soon I lift off on the wind and it carries me up and up, but I never feel far away from my comfort zone because I'm right where God wants me, with him.
That was my meditation today. I needed a break from my chaos.
Gratitude List
1. Grateful God gave me an imagination.
2. So glad that God knows everything about me, why I do the things I do, how I really am feeling physically
3. Always thankful for my health
4. I'm very blessed to have Jon, my specialty pharmacist, in OKC. He's been with me for 11 yrs. this month.
5. I'm so grateful for the strides that the medical field has made over the yrs trying to cure all these awful diseases. These professionals come from God. He is working through them.
I'm so glad I feel better. When I started this blog, I had no idea I was going to get sick and miss days of writing this soon after starting it. Everything happens for a reasons.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Michelle
There is one thing I do know. I am going to heaven. Everything that I seem so concerned with sort of happens on my journey. So today I thought about my journey a little differently.
I am a soul. My earthly body is just a personality (I heard it explained that way on Oprah.). So, I am taking my body out of the picture. What, how, where, etc. doesn't matter. My soul is what is important, not my body. If I'm going to think about dying, then I'm going to think of the good part of the journey.
I'm like a bubble that a child blows through one of those rings. I'm on that last breath. Floating. Out the window, above the street. I don't have to try to walk and run out of breath. I just float on a breeze. It's so warm. I can feel God's love shining on me, thru me. I'm drifting through a meadow of tall grass and wild flowers, bouncing from one blade of grass to the next. Bouncing and bouncing, and floating so easily and carefree. No worries, no struggling, no panic, and no stress. Just flowing on my journey to God.
I land on a wave and just ride it effortlessly. The rocking of the water is so calming and peaceful. Soon I lift off on the wind and it carries me up and up, but I never feel far away from my comfort zone because I'm right where God wants me, with him.
That was my meditation today. I needed a break from my chaos.
Gratitude List
1. Grateful God gave me an imagination.
2. So glad that God knows everything about me, why I do the things I do, how I really am feeling physically
3. Always thankful for my health
4. I'm very blessed to have Jon, my specialty pharmacist, in OKC. He's been with me for 11 yrs. this month.
5. I'm so grateful for the strides that the medical field has made over the yrs trying to cure all these awful diseases. These professionals come from God. He is working through them.
I'm so glad I feel better. When I started this blog, I had no idea I was going to get sick and miss days of writing this soon after starting it. Everything happens for a reasons.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Michelle
Friday, October 28, 2011
Doing a little better everyday. I'm very weak. I haven't been eating well. It's a viscious cycle. Too weak from not eating, too weak to make something to eat. Mom and Tatum just left the hotel to go eat pancakes. They're going to bring some back to me. That sounds kinda yummy!
Thank you, God, for Mom!! She is amazing! I love her so much. She's so good to me. I cannot imagine being without her. Not only does she take great care of me even though she doesn't have to, she is my best friend. We can laugh and cry together at the same time, watch silly horror movies in 3D together, shop til our butts are dragging, or just do nothing but sit quietly and be content.
I know she is a strong Christian woman. She has been a big influence on my own spirituality. I admire her faith, her honesty, her grace, her fierceness, her enthusiasim and her humbleness. One day I hope to be just like her-- when I grow up of course. LOL It's ok for me to strive for perfection as long as I remember that I will never actually attain it.
Gratitude List
1. My Health
2. Tatum
3. hope
4. rain
5. perserverence
Thank you for reading this and posting your comments,
Michelle
Thank you, God, for Mom!! She is amazing! I love her so much. She's so good to me. I cannot imagine being without her. Not only does she take great care of me even though she doesn't have to, she is my best friend. We can laugh and cry together at the same time, watch silly horror movies in 3D together, shop til our butts are dragging, or just do nothing but sit quietly and be content.
I know she is a strong Christian woman. She has been a big influence on my own spirituality. I admire her faith, her honesty, her grace, her fierceness, her enthusiasim and her humbleness. One day I hope to be just like her-- when I grow up of course. LOL It's ok for me to strive for perfection as long as I remember that I will never actually attain it.
Gratitude List
1. My Health
2. Tatum
3. hope
4. rain
5. perserverence
Thank you for reading this and posting your comments,
Michelle
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Today I am OK!
Thank you so much for all your comments and encouragment. I'm having a very difficult time right now with my asthma still. The steroid shot I get makes me feel panicky and depressed. I keep thinking maybe I'm not doing as well physically as I thought I was. Am I in denial? Have I been lying to myself about my faith in God? So much negativity!
I have been praying a lot today. I keep telling myself, "You're fine. God's taking care of you." I do have great faith in God that he is healing me. I'm on less oxygen than I used to be. I've lost almost 150lbs. I no longer have to use a hospital bed at home. My proof is right in front of me.
Right now, right this minute I am OK. I am OK.
Here's my list!
1. My health.
2. Michael and Rachelle for taking me in while our livingroom is being remodeled.
3. All of you who are reading and commenting on this blog. I need you.
4. Dr. Kelly, He's an awesome doctor!
5. Miracles!
Thank you and I love you guys!
Michelle, Oshie or Mitchell
(whichever one is familiar to you!)
I have been praying a lot today. I keep telling myself, "You're fine. God's taking care of you." I do have great faith in God that he is healing me. I'm on less oxygen than I used to be. I've lost almost 150lbs. I no longer have to use a hospital bed at home. My proof is right in front of me.
Right now, right this minute I am OK. I am OK.
Here's my list!
1. My health.
2. Michael and Rachelle for taking me in while our livingroom is being remodeled.
3. All of you who are reading and commenting on this blog. I need you.
4. Dr. Kelly, He's an awesome doctor!
5. Miracles!
Thank you and I love you guys!
Michelle, Oshie or Mitchell
(whichever one is familiar to you!)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Just 5 simple things
I apologize to those of you who have tried to leave a comment and were unsuccessful. They said they were having some kind of difficulty. I change "something", and I think it will work now. Let's hope it does.
Today has been a long day. My parents are remodeling the livingroom, so I am sitting on the loveseat in the kitchen. I don't feel well, so I haven't been out of the house since yesterday. Did I mention that the tv was dropped, so we don't have that in this part of the house. I miss my tv really bad.
I definitely need to do a gratitude list today!
Gratitudes
1. My Health
2. My Church Family
3. music
4. Dayton
5. My Cozy Bed
I need this list today. I hate it when I get depressed. Everything I think is negative and whiny. I know I get this way when I'm not feeling good, but something else also triggered it.
I was reading my pph awareness magazine (I can't think of the name at the moment), and it made me start thinking of all the things that can go wrong and of all the people who die from this disease. I hate that. Why am I still here and they aren't? Why should I be any different?
I have so much that I want to do. Swim, hike, travel, etc.. I want to know what it's like to breathe normal. I don't remember. I don't remember. That makes me sad and angry.
I know God has a plan for me. I seriously believe he is healing me right now! I just get caught up in the negative crap. I didn't want this blog to be a whining post for me. I just need to get it out sometimes. I'm very thankful for my gratitude list.
I would like to hear back from you what you are thankful for. Will you do that? Just list 5 things you want to thank God for, or one thing, or ten.
Thank you for reading,
Michelle
Today has been a long day. My parents are remodeling the livingroom, so I am sitting on the loveseat in the kitchen. I don't feel well, so I haven't been out of the house since yesterday. Did I mention that the tv was dropped, so we don't have that in this part of the house. I miss my tv really bad.
I definitely need to do a gratitude list today!
Gratitudes
1. My Health
2. My Church Family
3. music
4. Dayton
5. My Cozy Bed
I need this list today. I hate it when I get depressed. Everything I think is negative and whiny. I know I get this way when I'm not feeling good, but something else also triggered it.
I was reading my pph awareness magazine (I can't think of the name at the moment), and it made me start thinking of all the things that can go wrong and of all the people who die from this disease. I hate that. Why am I still here and they aren't? Why should I be any different?
I have so much that I want to do. Swim, hike, travel, etc.. I want to know what it's like to breathe normal. I don't remember. I don't remember. That makes me sad and angry.
I know God has a plan for me. I seriously believe he is healing me right now! I just get caught up in the negative crap. I didn't want this blog to be a whining post for me. I just need to get it out sometimes. I'm very thankful for my gratitude list.
I would like to hear back from you what you are thankful for. Will you do that? Just list 5 things you want to thank God for, or one thing, or ten.
Thank you for reading,
Michelle
Gratitude List
I am a very happy person, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with my health issues. I will be lying in bed and I'll start having a pain in my chest. It's not a very strong pain, but it's there. I will start thinking,"What can this be? What if it's that tumor in my heart? What if this is it? What if this is when I'm going to die?"Sometimes I will call Mom to come down stairs, and she will sit on the side of the bed and ask me if I need her to get me anything like a heat pack or a glass of warm water. By then it usually starts to subside. So she just sits with me until I feel better, and then she goes back to bed. I know that when I start thinking about the pain too much, I panic. That's why I call Mom. My panic attacks almost always happen at night. That's why I stay up late sometimes. Like tonight. I don't feel well because of my asthma.
I love to make lists. Gocery lists, Gratitude list, character defect lists (mine not yours). Sometimes I'll even make a list of my good qualities to help self-esteem. I really like making the gratitude list. It helps me to stay positive and give God thanks. I write 5 a day. They have to be different every day for that week. Except thanking God for my health. That's an everyday one.
5 Gratitudes (in no particular order)
My health
Jesus
Mom
Trees
Grace
This is one place that writing this publicly will help me. Last year I kept a journal, and it had my grat list for every day plus my journaling. I only missed 4 days out of the whole year. This year- not doing too good. I need to be held accountable. So I am going to write my list on here every day that it is physically possible to do so. Now, I have to do it. Cool!
There are many more things that I am supposed to be doing for my health and spirituality that I will get aound telling you. But, for now, I'm signing off. Sorry for any mistakes. I'm too tired to check.
Thanks for listening,
Michelle
I love to make lists. Gocery lists, Gratitude list, character defect lists (mine not yours). Sometimes I'll even make a list of my good qualities to help self-esteem. I really like making the gratitude list. It helps me to stay positive and give God thanks. I write 5 a day. They have to be different every day for that week. Except thanking God for my health. That's an everyday one.
5 Gratitudes (in no particular order)
My health
Jesus
Mom
Trees
Grace
This is one place that writing this publicly will help me. Last year I kept a journal, and it had my grat list for every day plus my journaling. I only missed 4 days out of the whole year. This year- not doing too good. I need to be held accountable. So I am going to write my list on here every day that it is physically possible to do so. Now, I have to do it. Cool!
There are many more things that I am supposed to be doing for my health and spirituality that I will get aound telling you. But, for now, I'm signing off. Sorry for any mistakes. I'm too tired to check.
Thanks for listening,
Michelle
Friday, October 21, 2011
The Truth
This is the first time I have ever blogged or written anything personal for others to see. So, bear with me while I work on telling you the TRUTH. I don't always like what I see in myself if I'm being honest. I can be very stubborn, selfish, and self-centered. But, then again, I don't always see the positive either.
I have some truths, physically, that are often hard to face, also. This might take a while, but I'm going to tell it all in one sitting. LOL
In May of 2000 I was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. This is a rare lung disease for which there is know known cure YET. It is terminal. I'm on a medication called Flolan that helps me stay ahead of the disease's progression, but it doesn't cure it.
Next, in 2001 I was diagnosed with a bone marrow disorder called Myelofibrosis. The only cure is a bone marrow transplant. I've had many transfusions because of this disease. I have trouble making blood, therefore, my white count doesn't raise when I have an infection.
Third, the Flolan medication gave me Grave's disease, a thyroid disease. Because of this I took radioactive iodine. It didn't do any good. I still had thyroid problems. I think I was diagnosed with this in 2002. It plays a big role in my health later on.
My doctors did not think I would live but 3 to 5 years depending on which doc you talked to. The day I was diagnosed with pph, the doctor said that he wished he was here to tell me that I have cancer. Then he told me what it was and it sounded just like ordinary hypertension. Big deal, I thought. So I'll take a pill and be fine. I can be that responsible. Then he says "I can put you on this new medication. It's a continuous IV of medicine. It's called Flolan. If you decide to use this medication, you could live up to 5 years. If you do not wish to try it, you could die in 3 months". Whoa! 3 months? I'll take the Flolan. That was 11, ELEVEN YEARS AGO next month!! Go me! LOL Actually, it's Go God!!
In 2009 I was going through testing to get on the list for lung transplant. I did really well, except they found something in my heart they called a Myxoma. I'd never heard of it. Mom looked it up, and it said it's a gelatenous tumor shaped like broccoli. It grows slowly and can break off easy. This sucks! So my Pulmonologist talked to the "Board". They agreed that the best way to deal with this ugly piece of broccoli is to do open heart surgery when they do the lung transplant. The doctors are afraid I wouldn't make it through open heart surgery in my condition. By the way, I always forget that I have Congestive Heart Failure because of the PPH.
So the plan at this point is to get me on that transplant list. I went to see my doc to find out if I was ok'd, and he said I needed to take a medicine for 3 months and then they will put me on the List. I was so excited. Because of all my junk, I never thought they would approve me. This is something I had dreamed about for so long. So, on to my next appt., just a yearly check-up with my thyroid doctor. No problemo.
Remember the radioactive iodine?
So I go to my next appointment. Everything seems to be going well until he wants my mom to come back to the room. He never wants that. He always makes her stay in the waiting room. That's why I like him. (Mom knows how I feel) He precede's to tell us that this little bump on the front of my neck has grown considerably since last year. I never even noticed. He did a biopsy right there in the office, and one day later I found out I had Thyroid Cancer. Ugh! That meant that I couldn't get on the lung transplant list for at least 3 years. I was so close. I really felt defeated.
Now, I only have one more year of waiting. I can be tested again in 2012.
I, also, have asthma. I forgot to mention it. Actually, I'm sick right now because of it.
I feel strange telling all this. I wanted to get all my physical 'stuff' out of the way today. I don't want sympathy. I hate that! I don't like it when people tell me their sorry that I'm sick. But, I understand why they say it. They don't know what they can do to help me.
This is what you can do. Read my blog and tell me the truth. I want to be the best person I can be physically, spiritually, and emotionally. There are a lot of things I should be doing to improve myself physically and spiritually that I'm not doing. I don't want to face the consequences. I need accountability. We all do.
From now on I guess I'll just write like I do in my journal. I'll figure it out as I go. I look forward to hearing from ya'll. It's important to me also that this could help some one else. I know I'm not alone with illness or the only one who needs help spiritually.
Thanks, Michelle
P.S. I think I have all my facts correct. There is so much to remember, I sometimes get confused.
I have some truths, physically, that are often hard to face, also. This might take a while, but I'm going to tell it all in one sitting. LOL
In May of 2000 I was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. This is a rare lung disease for which there is know known cure YET. It is terminal. I'm on a medication called Flolan that helps me stay ahead of the disease's progression, but it doesn't cure it.
Next, in 2001 I was diagnosed with a bone marrow disorder called Myelofibrosis. The only cure is a bone marrow transplant. I've had many transfusions because of this disease. I have trouble making blood, therefore, my white count doesn't raise when I have an infection.
Third, the Flolan medication gave me Grave's disease, a thyroid disease. Because of this I took radioactive iodine. It didn't do any good. I still had thyroid problems. I think I was diagnosed with this in 2002. It plays a big role in my health later on.
My doctors did not think I would live but 3 to 5 years depending on which doc you talked to. The day I was diagnosed with pph, the doctor said that he wished he was here to tell me that I have cancer. Then he told me what it was and it sounded just like ordinary hypertension. Big deal, I thought. So I'll take a pill and be fine. I can be that responsible. Then he says "I can put you on this new medication. It's a continuous IV of medicine. It's called Flolan. If you decide to use this medication, you could live up to 5 years. If you do not wish to try it, you could die in 3 months". Whoa! 3 months? I'll take the Flolan. That was 11, ELEVEN YEARS AGO next month!! Go me! LOL Actually, it's Go God!!
In 2009 I was going through testing to get on the list for lung transplant. I did really well, except they found something in my heart they called a Myxoma. I'd never heard of it. Mom looked it up, and it said it's a gelatenous tumor shaped like broccoli. It grows slowly and can break off easy. This sucks! So my Pulmonologist talked to the "Board". They agreed that the best way to deal with this ugly piece of broccoli is to do open heart surgery when they do the lung transplant. The doctors are afraid I wouldn't make it through open heart surgery in my condition. By the way, I always forget that I have Congestive Heart Failure because of the PPH.
So the plan at this point is to get me on that transplant list. I went to see my doc to find out if I was ok'd, and he said I needed to take a medicine for 3 months and then they will put me on the List. I was so excited. Because of all my junk, I never thought they would approve me. This is something I had dreamed about for so long. So, on to my next appt., just a yearly check-up with my thyroid doctor. No problemo.
Remember the radioactive iodine?
So I go to my next appointment. Everything seems to be going well until he wants my mom to come back to the room. He never wants that. He always makes her stay in the waiting room. That's why I like him. (Mom knows how I feel) He precede's to tell us that this little bump on the front of my neck has grown considerably since last year. I never even noticed. He did a biopsy right there in the office, and one day later I found out I had Thyroid Cancer. Ugh! That meant that I couldn't get on the lung transplant list for at least 3 years. I was so close. I really felt defeated.
Now, I only have one more year of waiting. I can be tested again in 2012.
I, also, have asthma. I forgot to mention it. Actually, I'm sick right now because of it.
I feel strange telling all this. I wanted to get all my physical 'stuff' out of the way today. I don't want sympathy. I hate that! I don't like it when people tell me their sorry that I'm sick. But, I understand why they say it. They don't know what they can do to help me.
This is what you can do. Read my blog and tell me the truth. I want to be the best person I can be physically, spiritually, and emotionally. There are a lot of things I should be doing to improve myself physically and spiritually that I'm not doing. I don't want to face the consequences. I need accountability. We all do.
From now on I guess I'll just write like I do in my journal. I'll figure it out as I go. I look forward to hearing from ya'll. It's important to me also that this could help some one else. I know I'm not alone with illness or the only one who needs help spiritually.
Thanks, Michelle
P.S. I think I have all my facts correct. There is so much to remember, I sometimes get confused.
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