the "What if's?"

I'm so sad tonight. My depression is bad right now. I try to hide it from everyone. I don't like to show my weaknesses. I don't want people to think I don't have faith in God or that I don't mean the positive statements I make.

I want to be a good example. I wonder what God wants me to do for him since I'm still alive. I've always believed it's to bring people closer to God by sharing my experiences. I feel like I'm failing right now, today, anyway. My feelings change from day to day.

I'm glad I can't see anyone while I'm writing this. I don't think I could admit my feelings directly to you.

I haven't changed out of my pj's in two days, or combed my hair. I've hardly moved from the couch and my muscles are getting so weak. I feel tired all the time. I don't want to find out if my tumor has grown. It's stressful and overwhelming to think about. There are so many "what if's". What if the tumor has grown a lot? What if they won't do open heart surgery when I have my lung transplant? What if I have to move out of state? What if I'm not strong enough to handle all of this?

I know God can take care of this for me. He is taking care of it. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I hang on to this fear and depression? I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life.

I know my feelings are temporary. I have good days too. I have to pull myself out of this funk. I am strong. I am in good hands. God is my rock. He will carry me through this. I have to believe this becuz it's the truth!

1. I'm thankful for God's love
2. Thankful for all the people who pray for me
3. Thankful for my sister, misty.
4. Thankful for Claudette
5. Thankful for Psalms

Thank you for reading.