Doing a little better everyday.  I'm very weak.  I haven't been eating well.  It's a viscious cycle.  Too weak from not eating, too weak to make something to eat.  Mom and Tatum just left the hotel to go eat pancakes.  They're going to bring some back to me.  That sounds kinda yummy!

Thank you, God, for Mom!!   She is amazing!  I love her so much.  She's so good to me.  I cannot imagine being without her.  Not only does she take great care of me even though she doesn't have to, she is my best friend.  We can laugh and cry together at the same time, watch silly horror movies in 3D together, shop til our butts are dragging, or just do nothing but sit quietly and be content.

I know she is a strong Christian woman.  She has been a big influence on my own spirituality.  I admire her faith, her honesty, her grace, her fierceness, her enthusiasim and her humbleness.  One day I hope to be just like her-- when I grow up of course. LOL  It's ok for me to strive for perfection as long as I remember that I will never actually attain it.

Gratitude List

1. My Health
2. Tatum
3. hope
4. rain
5. perserverence

Thank you for reading this and posting your comments,

Michelle

Today I am OK!

Thank you so much for all your comments and encouragment.  I'm having a very difficult time right now with my asthma still.  The steroid shot I get makes me feel panicky and depressed.  I keep thinking maybe I'm not doing as well physically as I thought I was.  Am I in denial?  Have I been lying to myself about my faith in God?  So much negativity! 

I have been praying a lot today.  I keep telling myself, "You're fine.  God's taking care of you."  I do have great faith in God that he is healing me.  I'm on less oxygen than I used to be.  I've lost almost 150lbs.  I no longer have to use a hospital bed at home.  My proof is right in front of me. 

Right now, right this minute I am OK.  I am OK. 

Here's my list!

1. My health.

2.  Michael and Rachelle for taking me in while our livingroom is being remodeled.

3. All of you who are reading and commenting on this blog.  I need you.

4. Dr. Kelly, He's an awesome doctor!

5. Miracles!

Thank you and I love you guys!

Michelle, Oshie or Mitchell
(whichever one is familiar to you!)

Just 5 simple things

I apologize to those of you who have tried to leave a comment and were unsuccessful.  They said they were having some kind of difficulty.  I change "something", and I think it will work now.  Let's hope it does.

Today has been a long day.  My parents are remodeling the livingroom, so I am sitting on the loveseat in the kitchen.   I don't feel well, so I haven't been out of the house since yesterday.  Did I mention that the tv was dropped, so we don't have that in this part of the house.  I miss my tv really bad. 

I definitely need to do a gratitude list today!

Gratitudes

1. My Health
2. My Church Family
3. music
4. Dayton
5. My Cozy Bed

I need this list today.  I hate it when I get depressed.  Everything I think is negative  and whiny.  I know I get this way when I'm not feeling good, but something else also triggered it.

I was reading my pph awareness magazine (I can't think of the name at the moment), and it made me start thinking of  all the things that can go wrong and of all the people who die from this disease.  I hate that.  Why am I still here and they aren't?  Why should I be any different? 

I have so much that I want to do.  Swim, hike, travel, etc..  I want to know what it's like to breathe normal.  I don't remember.  I don't remember.  That makes me sad and angry.

I know God has a plan for me.  I seriously believe he is healing me right now!  I just get caught up in the negative crap.  I didn't want this blog to be a whining post for me.  I just need to get it out sometimes.  I'm very thankful for my gratitude list.

I would like to hear back from you what you are thankful for.  Will you do that?  Just list 5 things you want to thank God for, or one thing, or ten.

Thank you for reading,

Michelle 

Gratitude List

I am a very happy person, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with my health issues. I will be lying in bed and I'll start having a pain in my chest. It's not a very strong pain, but it's there. I will start thinking,"What can this be? What if it's that tumor in my heart? What if this is it? What if this is when I'm going to die?"Sometimes I will call Mom to come down stairs, and she will sit on the side of the bed and ask me if I need her to get me anything like a heat pack or a glass of warm water. By then it usually starts to subside. So she just sits with me until I feel better, and then she goes back to bed.  I know that when I start thinking about the pain too much, I panic.  That's why I call Mom.  My panic attacks almost always happen at night. That's why I stay up late sometimes.  Like tonight.  I don't feel well because of my asthma.

I love to make lists.  Gocery lists, Gratitude list, character defect lists (mine not yours). Sometimes I'll even make a list of my good qualities to help self-esteem.  I really like making the gratitude list.  It helps me to stay positive and give God thanks.  I write 5 a day.  They have to be different every day for that week.  Except thanking God for my health.  That's an everyday one.

5 Gratitudes (in no particular order)
My health
Jesus
Mom
Trees
Grace

This is one place that writing this publicly will help me.  Last year I kept a journal, and it had my grat list for every day plus my journaling.  I only missed 4 days out of the whole year.  This year- not doing too good.  I need to be held accountable.  So I am going to write my list on here every day that it is physically possible to do so.  Now, I have to do it.  Cool!

There are many more things that I am supposed to be doing for my health and spirituality that I will get aound telling you. But, for now, I'm signing off.  Sorry for any mistakes.  I'm too tired to check.

Thanks for listening,

Michelle

The Truth

This is the first time I have ever blogged or written anything personal for others to see. So, bear with me while I work on telling you the TRUTH. I don't always like what I see in myself if I'm being honest. I can be very stubborn, selfish, and self-centered. But, then again, I don't always see the positive either.

I have some truths, physically, that are often hard to face, also. This might take a while, but I'm going to tell it all in one sitting. LOL

In May of 2000 I was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. This is a rare lung disease for which there is know known cure YET. It is terminal. I'm on a medication called Flolan that helps me stay ahead of the disease's progression, but it doesn't cure it.

 Next, in 2001 I was diagnosed with a bone marrow disorder called Myelofibrosis.  The only cure is a bone marrow transplant. I've had many transfusions because of this disease. I have trouble making blood, therefore, my white count doesn't raise when I have an infection.

Third, the Flolan medication gave me Grave's disease, a thyroid disease. Because of this I took radioactive iodine.  It didn't do any good.  I still had thyroid problems.  I think I was diagnosed with this in 2002.  It plays a big role in my health later on.

My doctors did not think I would live but 3 to 5 years depending on which doc you talked to. The day I was diagnosed with pph, the doctor said that he wished he was here to tell me that I have cancer. Then he told me what it was and it sounded just like ordinary hypertension. Big deal, I thought. So I'll take a pill and be fine. I can be that responsible. Then he says "I can put you on this new medication. It's a continuous IV of medicine. It's called Flolan. If you decide to use this medication, you could live up to 5 years. If you do not wish to try it, you could die in 3 months".  Whoa! 3 months? I'll take the Flolan. That was 11, ELEVEN YEARS AGO next month!!  Go me! LOL  Actually, it's Go God!! 

In 2009 I was going through testing to get on the list for lung transplant.  I did really well, except they found something in my heart they called a Myxoma.  I'd never heard of it.  Mom looked it up, and it said it's a gelatenous tumor shaped like broccoli.  It grows slowly and can break off easy.  This sucks!   So my Pulmonologist talked to the "Board".   They agreed that the best way to deal with this ugly piece of broccoli is to do open heart surgery when they do the lung transplant. The doctors are afraid I wouldn't make it through open heart surgery in my condition.  By the way, I always forget that I have Congestive Heart Failure because of the PPH.

So the plan at this point is to get me on that transplant list.  I went to see my doc to find out if I was ok'd, and he said I needed to take a medicine for 3 months and then they will put me on the List. I was so excited. Because of all my junk, I never thought they would approve me. This is something I had dreamed about for so long. So, on to my next appt., just a yearly check-up with my thyroid doctor. No problemo.

Remember the radioactive iodine? 

So I go to my next appointment. Everything seems to be going well until he wants my mom to come back to the room. He never wants that. He always makes her stay in the waiting room. That's why I like him. (Mom knows how I feel) He precede's to tell us that this little bump on the front of my neck has grown considerably since last year. I never even noticed. He did a biopsy right there in the office, and one day later I found out I had Thyroid Cancer.  Ugh!  That meant that I couldn't get on the lung transplant list for at least 3 years.  I was so close.  I really felt defeated.

Now, I only have one more year of waiting. I can be tested again in 2012.

I, also, have asthma. I forgot to mention it. Actually, I'm sick right now because of it.

I feel strange telling all this.  I wanted to get all my physical 'stuff' out of the way today.   I don't want sympathy.  I hate that!  I don't like it when people tell me their sorry that I'm sick. But, I understand why they say it.  They don't know what they can do to help me. 

This is what you can do. Read my blog and tell me the truth.  I want to be the best person I can be physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  There are a lot of things I should be doing to improve myself physically and spiritually that I'm not doing.  I don't want to face the consequences.  I need accountability. We all do.

From now on I guess I'll just write like I do in my journal.  I'll figure it out as I go.  I look forward to hearing from ya'll.  It's important to me also that this could help some one else.  I know I'm not alone with illness or the only one who needs help spiritually. 

Thanks, Michelle

P.S. I think I have all my facts correct.  There is so much to remember, I sometimes get confused.