Bargaining or bartering

Bartering is the 2nd stage of grieving, as I learned it.  For some people, the stages may be labeled differently. 

In treatment they explained bartering as "praying to the porcelain god after a night of hard drinking".  "Please, God, if you make me feel better, I promise I won't drink again!"  I remember that prayer.  As soon as I felt better, I was ready to drink myself sick over and over.  Dumb and crazy.

After I was diagnosed with pph, I did some bargaining with God, or I tried to bargain with him.  I told him that I promised I would be a better person.  I know I can be better, I promise I will.  Please let this be a mistake, God, please!

The first day back home from the hospital after my diagnosis that I was alone, I just collapsed to the floor and I was crying and crying.  I just kept asking God why, why is this happening now?  I'm trying to be better.  Please, please I know I  can be better.  I know I can.  I can get more counseling.  I can work more on my character defects.  Just please, please, please not now. 

In the past I probably wouldn't have cared as much because I was so depressed and stayed messed up all the time.  But when I was diagnosed, I had changed for the better.

That day is the last time I ever thought God was punishing me for being bad.  After that I turned the anger inward to me.  My bargaining stage didn't last long, maybe a  couple of weeks.  Anger is the next stage and it was and sometimes still is a stage that I really stayed in for a while.  There's more to it than that.  I'll write about it next week.  It could be a long one. LOL 

I've been really disappointed with myself this week.  I'm not getting everything done that I want to for Christmas.  It's not really that much.  It just seems like it to me because I get tired so easily.  I've been falling asleep a lot in the evenings, and when I wake up it's  time to go to bed, but I stay up on the computer playing games.  It keeps my mind busy without much physical activity.  I think it's my "go to" if I'm wanting to not think about things like how I feel, self-pity stuff, things I need to get done, and on and on. 

Before I went and stayed with my brother, a couple months ago, I had a good routine.  I would be in bed by 11 o'clock.  Then I would read or type.  Now, I have not tried to get my routine back, and I'm not happy the way things are.  I need my routine.  That's what I'm going to work on this week.   I guess you'll find out if I succeed.  I let you know.

Please say a pray or 2 for me.  I'm feeling pretty miserable.

Gratitudes

1. Internet
2. My elders
3. Misty, my sister
4. My health
5. Book of Job

One verse I really like is in Jeremiah when God says, "I knew you before you were born".  I might have already said that in a previous post, but that is how much I like it.  It's so comforting. I'm already feeling better mentally just from writing this. :)

Thanks for listening,

Michelle

Denial

Hello!  It's so cold out.  I hope it snows! 

I wanted to write about the stages of grieving.  I learned them in treatment.  They are denial, barter, anger, depression, and acceptance.  I'm sure different people might use different wording for these stages, but they will basically mean the same.

Denial

I've been thinking about this stage all week.  I don't remember being in denial about my illnesses.  I was so sick when they diagnosed me with pph that I was relieved they found what was wrong.  I knew for a while that something wasn't right with my health.  I kept going to doctors to find out what it was.  Other people didn't believe that I was sick.  Some thought it was my weight.  I weighed 282 lbs. when I was diagnosed.  I can see why some might think that was the cause. Since then I've lost over 150lbs. 
I was probably in denial about my weight more than my disease until I got on a scale! 

I was in denial about being an alcoholic for a long time.  I kept thinking that I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't drink every day.  That's what I thought the first time I went to treatment.  Ok.  I wasn't going to write about this, but why not?  It could help some one else.

When I was 21, I lived in Amarillo, Tx.  I wasn't drinking every day, but it had become a problem.  I was calling in sick because of hangovers, spending all my money on alcohol, blacking out, etc.  I was starting to get depressed.  Alcohol is a depressant.  One night after the bar was closed I went home and slit my wrist.  After that people (family members) were trying to get me into treatment.  I didn't want to go.  I did not think I had a problem.  They just kept bugging me.  Finally I decided to go to get them off my back.  I wanted to prove to them that I didn't have a problem.  The treatment place said for me not to drink before I was scheduled to check in.  I think it was only 4 or 5 days of waiting.  So, I drank Nyqhil.  That's sick I know.  That was denial!  I stayed sober for only 2 weeks after I got out of there. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  I always thought I could control how much alcohol I was going to drink, but it never happened.  That's insanity.  If doctors diagnose you with an illness, but you keep going to different doctors to get a better diagnosis, that's insanity.  Admitting that you have the illness or that you are an alcoholic is a step towards sanity and the end of denial.

Gratitudes

1. My health
2.The changing of the seasons
3. All things cozy!
4. Love, God's love
5. All my special friend's

I am so blessed!  God takes good care of me!!

Thank you,

Michelle