Bartering is the 2nd stage of grieving, as I learned it. For some people, the stages may be labeled differently.
In treatment they explained bartering as "praying to the porcelain god after a night of hard drinking". "Please, God, if you make me feel better, I promise I won't drink again!" I remember that prayer. As soon as I felt better, I was ready to drink myself sick over and over. Dumb and crazy.
After I was diagnosed with pph, I did some bargaining with God, or I tried to bargain with him. I told him that I promised I would be a better person. I know I can be better, I promise I will. Please let this be a mistake, God, please!
The first day back home from the hospital after my diagnosis that I was alone, I just collapsed to the floor and I was crying and crying. I just kept asking God why, why is this happening now? I'm trying to be better. Please, please I know I can be better. I know I can. I can get more counseling. I can work more on my character defects. Just please, please, please not now.
In the past I probably wouldn't have cared as much because I was so depressed and stayed messed up all the time. But when I was diagnosed, I had changed for the better.
That day is the last time I ever thought God was punishing me for being bad. After that I turned the anger inward to me. My bargaining stage didn't last long, maybe a couple of weeks. Anger is the next stage and it was and sometimes still is a stage that I really stayed in for a while. There's more to it than that. I'll write about it next week. It could be a long one. LOL
I've been really disappointed with myself this week. I'm not getting everything done that I want to for Christmas. It's not really that much. It just seems like it to me because I get tired so easily. I've been falling asleep a lot in the evenings, and when I wake up it's time to go to bed, but I stay up on the computer playing games. It keeps my mind busy without much physical activity. I think it's my "go to" if I'm wanting to not think about things like how I feel, self-pity stuff, things I need to get done, and on and on.
Before I went and stayed with my brother, a couple months ago, I had a good routine. I would be in bed by 11 o'clock. Then I would read or type. Now, I have not tried to get my routine back, and I'm not happy the way things are. I need my routine. That's what I'm going to work on this week. I guess you'll find out if I succeed. I let you know.
Please say a pray or 2 for me. I'm feeling pretty miserable.
Gratitudes
1. Internet
2. My elders
3. Misty, my sister
4. My health
5. Book of Job
One verse I really like is in Jeremiah when God says, "I knew you before you were born". I might have already said that in a previous post, but that is how much I like it. It's so comforting. I'm already feeling better mentally just from writing this. :)
Thanks for listening,
Michelle
2 comments:
Dear Niece, once again I read with wonder the words you write. I feel close to you through your words.
I pray for you each morning, asking GOD to give you a good day.
I too am thankful for the book of Job, especially the words of Elihu, ch. 32-37. For a young man, he was very wise, praising GOD and giving HIM all the glory for what and who we are. Sometimes the words of youth are much wiser than the words of the age. I find wisdom in your writing, even though I'm old enough to be your Grampa. I look forward to the next episode from your life.
I love you, Uncle Eddie
I'm thankful.
1. For Jesus and the influence He has on the world, NO one is remembered like Him.
2. The word, and all the guidancs we receive from it.
3. Prayer, I don't know what I would do without it, GOD hears and answers, HIS will be done.
4. That we have enough to live on.
5. You, my dear niece.
6. Our puppy dogs, they are a lot of company for us.
7. My family
I have missed you writing Oshie! You have so much to share with others. Your words will change someone's life that is struggling. I know God has great plans for you and this writing is part of it. I want to help you so much in your struggles but I can only pray. Sometimes I forget how much you struggle because you always say or do funny things and make me laugh. This past week I am especially reminded because we have been praying for Paul who is struggling for every breath. That breaks my heart because I have watched you do that. I am so thankful to God for blessing me with you for a daughter. I am also thankful for humor, health, God's Word, & family. I love you! Mom
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