Now that I am feeling better, I need to get back on track. I believe that if you aren't moving forward spiritually, you are probably falling back. I want to continue to move forward, be as close to God as I can be, and do what God asks of me.
Last April or May I was in the hospital because of my asthma and pneumonia. I was in the Guymon Hospital and then transferred to OKC hospital for 2 weeks total. While I was in okc, I prayed and read my Bible as well as I could being sick, and I felt so far from God. I know the steroids I was taking make me paranoid, but I prayed and prayed for God to make me feel some peace even though I was so sick. I wanted to feel like I was going to be ok, and I didn't.
This made me angry because it seemed like God was answering my prayers just like I wanted him to up until this point. If I had a headache, I would lay in bed and pray for God to take it away, and he would. I prayed for God to make me better, and I have been getting better and better over the years. I could not understand why he wasn't giving me peace and hope right when I wanted it in the hospital. I was angry.
I know God is much greater than I am. He understands things that I can't even comprehend. He can turn water to wine, and I can barely make tea that tastes good. So why do I feel a grudge and let down? He knows better what I need and when I need it.
I quit reading my Bible after that hospital stay. Of course I believe in him, have faith in him, but will he be there for me in the end? Really? I am scared, and I am ashamed to admit it. I talk about this too much I know, but I am coming to this realization as I am writing. The real reason I've been angry with him is because I'm afraid he won't be there to help me in the end. I didn't realize this is what's getting in the way. How can I be the strong Christian woman I want to be when I am so afraid of this?
If I didn't feel like I had an obligation to give you the truth, I would erase this right now. I don't like to admit my fears. Please pray for me. I don't want to bear this burden alone anymore. I'm tired of it. I want to feel free.
Of course I don't feel this way all the time, but it is always at the back of my mind waiting to rear it's ugly head. DEATH, DEATH !! "Ooh, you ain't so bad! You ain't so bad!" That's what I would like to say.
Ok. It's late and I'm getting carried away. So, I need to start reading my Bible daily, again. I need to get back on track. The consequence to this truth is one I don't want to mess with. I need Jesus in my life for my sanity, for one, and all the other apparent reasons.
Your job is to ask me if I'm reading my Bible every day. I don't want to let down my peeps! LOL So, ask me. I'll tell the truth, promise.
It's getting really late. Time for my gratitude list:
1. Laughter- it feels so good!
2. God's sense of humor
3. I'm very grateful for having writing as an outlet. It really helps me think and release.
4. Trust
5. The Bible, I can't imagine not having it.
Good Night and Sweet Dreams!!
Michelle
10 comments:
I know you aren't home to read your own Bible but I'm sure Michael has one. Did you start reading last night? This was a wonderfully honest post. Not many people could do that. I know it may not always feel like God is answering prayer but He is. He is always with you. It is so hard to remember that everything is in His time. He is in control and I am so glad of that. We just have to do His will. Isn't it amazing how little He really asks of us?! And He gives us everything we need! Dear God, please help Michelle to feel your presence today. Wrap your arms around her and engulf her with your love. You have brought her so far God. There is no doubt in my mind she is your precious child. Thank you for my health God so I can take care of her. I love you so much God. Amen
Oops Oshie! I forgot to tell you it was me. But I'm sure you figured that out.
Mom
Dear Niece, you write in such a way that I hang on every word, and anticipate the next phrase. your writings are an outlet for you, and I pray you can continue. In a way, when you write and express your mowt inward feelings, it is like a prayer, GOD knows our every thought, I believe he knows what you are writing because the HOLY SPIRIT lives in you (Gal. 4:6.)
You condemn yourself in your writing, you say you are upset with GOD, that's okay, GOD understands. (1Jhn.3:16-24)especially v.20 "When your heart condemns you, GOD is greater than you heart, HE knows everything."
I will write more later, dear Niece, I look forward to hearing from you again.
My list.
1.The beautiful changing seasons.
2.The great wisdom of GOD.
3.Wisdom he gives us when we ask for it.
4.Prayer.
5.Our 6 mo.old German Shepherd puppy,Babe, who is our baby, even though she weighs almost 60, and stands 24"
6.Our little Sheltie, Bouncy, who has been with us for 6 yrs.
7.And you, my dear Niece, I thank GOD for you and pray for you everyday.
I love you, Uncle Eddie
Oh my sweet little Michelle...what a strong, intelligent, honest, beautiful, spiritual person you are. If you only knew how much healing you bring to me when I feel your faith and strength. I've only began reading your blog today and thank you for making me cry allready and for changing the course of my day (for the better):) I become very disappointed in myself when I am weak and lose faith, but I have to remind myself I am only human and we all know what humans are capable of..right? That's why we have God with us always to get us back on track. Humans are constantly messing up and the devil trying to sneak bad thoughts in now and then. Seems like that devil has been messing with me alot lately. You know how I've always fought with God about making us live in Taos and you'd think after 12 years, I would give up on this battle. It is a constant struggle for all of us. It seems like a very tiny problem compared to what you struggle with every day. You are AMAZING and I want to be with you every day. I could keep chatting all day, but I have many chores to do and bills to pay. Logan and I are going to the print shop to print some beautiful pics on canvas today. I'm so excited. I hope this photography takes off for him and helps him with his battle he struggles with daily.
I am grateful for:
1. YOU
2. Faith
3. Forgiveness
4. My sisters
5. Unconditional love from my
husband
6. My children
7. My dad
8. Eyesight
9. Being able to hear
10.Beautiful fall day
Just trying to catch up!!!!!
Dear Niece, I didn't see a writing from youi this morning, I pray you are okay ane will write later. I pray for you each morning, asking God to help you through the day.
I know He hears and answers our prayers, He has answered do many of mine. We pray for you in our worship, you are always on our prayer list. Dear MIchelle, I know God is with you, His Spirit is in you, He will stand by you always, yes, even in death, just as he will all of his children, "And lo I am with you always, even till the end of the world", Our Lord's words in Mat 28:28. I know He is there with you now at this very moment, He will never leave or forsake you. God bless you dear Michelle, I love you, you are so good for me.
1.The beautiful sunrise this morning.
2.Prayer
3.All of God's gifts to us.
4.Our Dr. who takes care of Nancy.
5.My health
6.And you my dear Niece
I love you, Uncle Eddie
((( HUGS 2 YOU )))
Hello Sweet Girl! When I read your blog I get all teary-eyed because I know that it takes a lot of courage to open up your heart and just lay it out there on the internet for all the world to read! Your raw honesty and your heart cry brings the tears springing out of my eyes. You've been on my mind all day today. I struggle with how to send a reply to your blog because I worry that I may say something that will hurt you, or will bring sadness to you. And also, in replying to your blog it means that I have to open up my heart and what I type will be for all the world to see as well. Scary! I find it so easy to share my heart stuff with you and your Mama. I'm going to take a leap of faith here and add my own thoughts.
When I have become so fearful during moments of anxiety or thoughts of death I'll force myself to focus on Jesus and think about Heaven and what I'll see when I get there. I love to read Revelation 21 as it describes Heaven so vividly.
I imagine myself viewing the walls and the gates of Heaven as I'm walking towards it. The foundation of Heaven's walls are decorated with every kind of precious stones. The first foundation is jasper, the second is sapphire, the third is chalcedony, the fourth is emerald, the fifth is sardonyx (onyx), the sixth is carnelian, the seventh is chrysolite, the eighth is beryl, the ninth is topaz, the tenth is chrysoprase, the eleventh is jacinth and the twelth is amethyst. The 12 gates are made of pearl; each gate made of a single pearl. The streets of Heaven are made of pure gold. I have imagined Heaven so many times that now I let my imagination take me right on inside and I'm on my way to see Jesus! After spending time with Jesus, I go looking for my favorite Bible characters. I want to see Adam & Eve, Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Isaac, David, Solomon. As I'm looking for Moses, my mind is picturing a man who might look a little bit like Charlton Heston. LOL! I know all this sounds silly, but the point is that I find that I have to force myself to focus on Jesus and allow my imagination to take me upward toward Heaven. When you completely focus your attention upward, know that you have a sovereign, loving God who never stops thinking about you, who, the Bible says, sings over you. He knows how many hairs are on your head. His thoughts are as the grain of sand. This is the God who is with you, watching over you when you're sick and afraid. This is the God who will be with you in the end and I believe that He will make His presence known to you when you're close to drawing your last breath.
**Continues....
The other day I was reading a transcript from www.reviveourhearts.org (Nancy Leigh DeMoss); the topic was about suffering. This particular paragraph caught my eye. It was written by Elizabeth Elliot to her friend, Margaret, who had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Margaret was suffering terribly about thoughts of dying. It made me think of you sweet girl. This is what Elizabeth wrote to Margaret, and besides Margaret's name I've added yours. Elizabeth wrote, “Margaret (MICHELLE), do not lose heart. Second Corinthians chapter 4, verses 16 through 18 (Look this scripture up in your Bible, Michelli & read it in its entirety), ‘Though your outer man is decaying, your inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary light affliction is producing in you an eternal weight of glory, far beyond all comparison, while you, Margaret (MICHELLE), should look at the things you can’t see, not the things that you can see; for the things that you can see are temporal, and the things you can’t see are eternal.’ Margaret (MICHELLE), God will use this, and for this you have Jesus.”
It wasn't too long ago when I was experiencing a dark, dark time in my life and I couldn't feel God's presence. I was feeling so alone and abandoned. Logic told me that He was there, but in my numb state of mind I just simply couldn't feel His presence. One day I remembered a song I had heard on the radio that I had heard many times and it always comforted me. The part that popped into my mind was,
"I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me."
It reminded me that if God knows when a simple little sparrow dies, then I know for sure that He's watching over me and loves me so much more than that little sparrow. The name of the song is "His Eye Is On the Sparrow"...here are the lyrics. Go to Youtube and you can hear it play.
Verse 1:
Why should I feel discouraged,
Why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heav'n and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
A constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches over me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
Refrain:
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me (He watches me)
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches (I know he watches)
(I know he watches me)
I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me (He watches me)
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know he watches me (He watches me)
He watches me (I know he watches me)
Verse 2:
"Let not your heart be troubled,"
His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth
But one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.
Verse 3:
Whenever I am tempted,
Whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing,
When hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
From care He sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me;
His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He cares for me.
** Carmen Continues
And lastly, I want to add something more from the transcript of Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I'm just including the whole thing because there's no way I could shorten it and have it come out right. It's just so good that it has to be read in its entirety.
From Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I think of the passages that talk about the future hope we have, where Paul says in Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us" (NKJV). Not now, but down the road.
And in 2 Corinthians 4, at the very end of that chapter where Paul says that our afflictions in this life are really only momentary and they are light. Now that's hard to believe when you are in the midst of the affliction! It seems like it is very major and seems like maybe it will go on for years, and it may.
But Paul says, "Think about it in the light of eternity. Every affliction is momentary, and it is light." He tells us what the perspective is that helps us see it that way, that those afflictions are accomplishing something in us that could not be accomplished any other way. And when we get to the other side of the river, as you say, we get into the presence of God and eternity. We will look back, and we will say, "What I have now is worth everything I had to endure there on earth in order to get to this eternal and exceeding weight of glory."
Something new for me to imagine will be to think about the other side of the river and being in the presence of God and eternity. I hope I have the presence of mind to look back and say, "Oh, Father God, what I have now is worth everything I had to endure there on earth in order to get to this eternal and exceeding weight of glory."
1. Imagination
2. The Bible
3. Hope
4. Faith
5. Perseverance
6. YOU, Sweet Girl!
I love you, Michelli!
((( HUG, HUG, HUG )))
http://youtu.be/m40UkVPpng0
if ur unable to click on the above link, copy & paste it to ur search engine. OR, you can go to www.youtube.com and type in:
Shannon Wexelberg- CHANGE ME
i just love this song & wanted to share it with you.
love, LoU BerTha
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