Stop talking already!

I'm sitting on the couch all cuddled with my blanket and pillow. Very cozy! It's just me tonight. Mom is in Denver staying with my sister, Misty. She is also there to pick up our new car. I am sooooo excited! I've always wanted a Lincoln. Even before I was old enough to drive, I wanted one. I know a lot of people have heard me tell this before, but I'll tell it just one more time for those of you who haven't heard

When I was younger I wanted a Lincoln so bad and, of course, being young and dumb I didn't have any concept of money. I thought when I got old enough things would just fall into place. So I told my parents on more than one occasion that I was NOT going to get a car until I could get a Lincoln. Everybody laughed at me. I didn't know what their problem was. Lol

Oh to be younger again. I want to write about my memories so my family and friends will have them when I'm gone. I thought I would start tonight with one or two. I guess I've already started with the story I just told.

One thing I wanted to say tonight before I forget. I love to talk. In person or on the phone, it doesn't matter. I've always been a talker. Whenever I would get in trouble at school, it was because I was talking when I shouldn't. Sometimes I would talk so much I would get on my own nerves!

But now, I don't talk near as much. I noticed it about 6 months ago. I was avoiding calling my family and friends, and I didn't understand why at first. I know that sounds weird. I do a lot of odd things because of my lung disease. Anyway, I started paying more attention to my body and finally figured out that talking makes me so tired. It's so irritating. I have a lot to say. I feel so bad for not staying in touch with people better, but that is why. It wears me out. But, luckily, I can txt and type.

Ok. I thought of a memory to share. One of my favorite things to do when I was growing up is dancing on Saturday mornings to the tv show American Bandstand. It was so fun. Mom, Misty, and I would dance around the living room. We even got a picture of us in action. Michael was there too. He was only about 2 or 3 at the time that pic was taken.

That was such a carefree time in my life, before boobs and boys. Lol. Yep! I said it. It's the truth. Once those two things come into your life, your childhood is over. Hello puberty!

1. Thankful I have good memories
2. Grateful for my stepmom, Connie.
3. Thankful for my friend, Summer
4. Grateful it's the weekend
5. Thankful that I am able to take naps on the couch. 4years ago I layed down on the couch and took a nap for the first time since 1999. It was wonderful! That's a whole other story.

Sweet dreams!

Things are looking up!

I am feeling so much better since Thursday night at Lift. We played Bingo after we ate, and we laughed and laughed. It feels so good to have wonderful, God-loving girlfriends. After lift was over the girls prayed with me. I really needed that. Then, we talked. I'm so much happier. The prayers are working.

Friday, I had my weekly visit with Brenda and Joan. I met Joan's son Ben. We all visited for a while and laughed. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. It was such an uplifting visit.

I think one thing that gets me down is not having contact with adults all day. Sometimes I don't talk to anyone except my mom or papa all day. I like them well enough, but I definitely need more adult interaction.

Last night I actually put on makeup and dressed nicely to go to NRA banquet. It's been a while since I've worn any makeup. There were 700 people at the banquet. I couldn't believe it. They fed us all. It was some good barbque from Kim's Ribs. I think that's the name.

I visited with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jodi. We've been friends since 4th grade. We did everything together growing up. Yes, we even got in trouble together. So many good memories! I love her a lot. We may not see each other very often, but she's still one of my best friends, more like a sister, I think.

No matter how bad my depression sometimes gets, I still love my life. I like being me. Is that crazy? Of course I would rather be well, but I'm ok as I am. I can deal with the bad as long as I have God. Besides, it's more good than bad. He provides me what I need. Amen!

1. I'm grateful for Jodi
2. Grateful for Lift
3. Thankful for positive attitude
4. Thankful for knowing God
5. Thankful for waking up this morning!

A new day

I feel a little better today. It helps to write about whatever is bothering me. I'm up and moving around the house. I'm going to get out of my pj's, check my email, and work on a project that's stuck in my head.

I'm going to Lift group at church tonight. It will be good for me to be around my girlfriends. They will help me "lift" my spirit.

Have a good day everyone.

the "What if's?"

I'm so sad tonight. My depression is bad right now. I try to hide it from everyone. I don't like to show my weaknesses. I don't want people to think I don't have faith in God or that I don't mean the positive statements I make.

I want to be a good example. I wonder what God wants me to do for him since I'm still alive. I've always believed it's to bring people closer to God by sharing my experiences. I feel like I'm failing right now, today, anyway. My feelings change from day to day.

I'm glad I can't see anyone while I'm writing this. I don't think I could admit my feelings directly to you.

I haven't changed out of my pj's in two days, or combed my hair. I've hardly moved from the couch and my muscles are getting so weak. I feel tired all the time. I don't want to find out if my tumor has grown. It's stressful and overwhelming to think about. There are so many "what if's". What if the tumor has grown a lot? What if they won't do open heart surgery when I have my lung transplant? What if I have to move out of state? What if I'm not strong enough to handle all of this?

I know God can take care of this for me. He is taking care of it. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I hang on to this fear and depression? I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life.

I know my feelings are temporary. I have good days too. I have to pull myself out of this funk. I am strong. I am in good hands. God is my rock. He will carry me through this. I have to believe this becuz it's the truth!

1. I'm thankful for God's love
2. Thankful for all the people who pray for me
3. Thankful for my sister, misty.
4. Thankful for Claudette
5. Thankful for Psalms

Thank you for reading.

I'm back home from OkCity where I saw my pulmonologist, Dr. Merza. It went well. I wasn't able to breathe very good that day, so they didn't have me do a six minute walk. They normally do the walk to keep record of how I do from visit to visit. They record my O2 sats and heart rate. They track how far I walk for the six minutes. I usually do pretty good. I keep it about the same every visit. This helps them determine if I need to increase my meds or, maybe, try something new. Anyhow, at my appointment we discussed getting a test done to check the tumor in my heart. They couldn't get it scheduled so we'll just have to see when we can make it happen. After that, the docs can determine if they will do a double lung transplant with open heart surgery or if I will have to go to a different hospital and get a double lung and heart transplant. We just have to see. There's nothing anyone can do right now except pray. My friend, Joan, says she's praying for a miracle.

I get tired of thinking about the medical stuff. I've dealt with my illness for 13 years, and sometimes I feel like I need a break from it! If only .... That is one reason for my arts and crafts. It's so nice to go in my craft room and busy myself with projects that use my creativity and that help my mind stay busy.

I told one of my aunts that I would put a few things I've made on here tonight so she can see them. She lives pretty far away, and we hardly ever get to see each other. I miss her a lot! I'll post pics at the end of this post.

Courage is my word for the year. I feel like I am handling "transplant talk" courageously. It's a scary thing to think about replacing my lungs with someone else's and open heart surgery at the same time. I'm turning it over to God. He can deal with it a lot better than I.

I was having trouble with my anxiety while I was in the City. I'm learning to talk myself through it. Usually, if something in my body doesn't feel right, especially, if its in my chest, I panic. I felt that way several times, so I would give myself permission to feel it and to be ok with it. It might sound strange, but it works for me.

I have lots more to write, but I'm very tired. I'll try to write again tomorrow.

1. Grateful for the safe trip
2. Thankful for Joan and Brenda visiting me and praying with and for me.
3. Thankful for the moisture.
4. My puppies
5. My home

So Blessed

What a great day! It was productive, full of people that I love, and busy enough to wear me out! I will sleep well tonight!

I watched two little boys today, and they were angels. They were so well behaved. It was the first time they had met, and they played so good together. I love them both. They have a special place in my heart.

I had an actual adult visitor, too, which was really nice. My friend, Jaci, from church came over and helped me organize my craft room. We only got a quarter of it done. Lol. I have a lot of stuff! I love my craft room. When we're finished organizing, I'll post some pics. Jaci is very good at this, much better than I am. I'm not a good organizer. I just get flustered and lost. I appreciate Jaci more than I can say. It's so nice to have her help and, even more nice, her friendship and company. I love her too!

I am sooo blessed! God is so good! I love him too! He always provides what I need plus bonuses.

1. I'm grateful for Jaci
2. Thankful for my ability to see the positive side of my illness
3. Thankful for the bonuses
4. Thankful that I was able to go to church Saturday night to meet a missionary from Africa and eat some awesome cookies
5. Thankful that my nephew, Tatum, is finally well.

I changed the name of my blog because I just feel it's moving in a different direction, and To Breathe Another Day fits it better.

Thanks for reading!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! I am sitting at home wishing I had someone to take me on a date. That hasn't happened in a long time.

I miss having a significant other sometimes, only sometimes. I miss snuggling on the couch or laying in bed laughing. I've done both of these by myself, but it's much more fun when someone else is there also.

Don't get me wrong, I do like my independence. I do what I want, and I don't feel like I have to try to look my best just for me. I think this holiday should be just for kids. Then I wouldn't even be feeling lonely tonight. It would be just another night.

I feel like I need to write tonight but the words aren't flowing like I want. I have these pent up emotions that are stuck in my chest. I want to feel positive for whoever reads this. I want to appear strong, not whiny or pitiful. I have it so good compared to so many, and here I am complaining. Usually when I feel like this something deeper is going on with me and I haven't identified it yet. Hmmm. What is it?

I see my doctor in the City next week. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, but it's just a checkup. Easy peasy lemon squeezy! We will probably shop while we're there. Yay! One of my favorite past-times!

I have a big day tomorrow. I'm going to renew my license, and go to Liberal to get a new wheelchair. I don't use it all the time, only when I'm walking far. I have two friends coming over in the morning to visit. I'm very happy about that. Tomorrow should be fun, nothing to worry about.

I don't know what it is. I'll just pray about it when I go to bed, and maybe God will reveal it to me, or just take it away. I don't want to be miserable over something I can't even identify. That's silly!!


1. Grateful for another day!
2. Thankful for Dr. Keasler, my chiropractor
3. So thankful that my friends are coming over tomorrow
3. Courage
4. Papa, my stepdad
5. Bray, he's a bright spot in my day.

Sorry about the mistakes in yesterday's post and, probably, in tonight's also. I reread this post, but I have a feeling I missed a few mistakes. We'll see!

Sweet dreams! Please remember me in your prayers and I'll remember you in mine.