Just another day

Today is Ash Wednesday. I really wanted to go to church but I'm not feeling well today. Some days I just don't have much energy. I layed on the couch most of the day. I've been drawing for some valentines day gifts to kids. I used sharpies and metallic markers to draw hearts and their names, just little cute stuff like that.

Yesterday I decorated a wooden letter M for my mom her last name starts with an M. I'll put a pic up of it. I glued Tim Holtz tissue paper onto the letter. Then I painted it using Pan Pastels. After that, I stamped all over it to give it more texture, and, presto!, it was finished. Mom really liked it. It's actually a Christmas present from my sister. I just decorated it for her. Luckily, misty had already given her the main present on Christmas Day because I'm really behind. Lol

1. I'm so grateful for our comfy furniture. I love to curl up when I'm not feeling well.

2. I'm thankful for my supportive family. I'm so blessed to have them.

3. Thankful for the moisture we gotten

4. Thankful that we can still afford to buy groceries. We had the best stew tonight for supper.

5. So very grateful for God's grace!!!

Goodnight everyone!

Handling my stress

I know I'm not alone in this emotion-driven habit I have, but sometimes it sure feels like it becuz I mostly do it when no one is around. Emotional binging on food. I mostly do it at night when I'm the only one still awake. I should just go to bed, but, no, I sit and "think about things".

I go to Oklahoma City next week to see my pulmonologist at Baptist integris Hospital. It's only my 4 mo check up but I still worry about it. I've been going to a pulmonologist regularly for 13 years now. I should be used to it by now. Lol This makes me want to eat!! Will I be able to do the 6 minute walk? Will I need any extra tests run? Will he say anything about transplant list? And on and on...

I've been cancer-free for 3 years now and that makes me closer to getting on the transplant list for my lungs. I need a cardiac MRI done to look at the myxoma in my heart. That is a tumor that grows slowly, is gelatinous, non-cancerous, and is shaped like broccoli. Weird, huh?!? This makes me eat! If the myxoma has grown the will try to get me on the transplant list faster because the only way they can take it out is by open heart surgery while transplanting my new lungs. I probably explained this in earlier post. I don't remember. Anyway, it scares me.

I have other things that I worry about but these are my major triggers for stress.

I do have some other ways of coping besides eating that I'll tell you about in a second. But first I have to say that I love love love to eat peanut butter and syrup. This week I've eaten it every night at about this time. Starting Wednesday, no more!!! I'm laying off sugar for a while I don't like the way I feel when I eat a lot of sugar. This is not an acceptable coping mechanism.

Another way of coping for me is drawing. I came across a style of drawing called zentangling. It's like major doodling there's a little bit more to it than that, but that's the major gist of it. I love it. It's so relaxing. I don't have to think about anything I just doodle different patterns. I saw it first on YouTube, then I looked it up through google. They say its good for children with ADD. It helps them to concentrate and focus. (Was that redundant?) I'll put a pic or 2 up that I doodled. It really does help me. You should check it out on YouTube or go to www.zentangle.com. It has tons of gorgeous zentangle art.

Of course, the other way I deal with my stress is crafting or art projects. I know I've talked about that in my other posts, but it is a big part of me now. It makes me so happy!

And, lastly, and most important is praying. I know that god listens to me, comforts me, cries with me. He's so awesome! I love him so much. Sure, I have doubts and fears and anger, but god knows me better than I know myself. He new me before I was born. He knows I'm only human, and as long as I keep my eyes on him he's going to take care of me.

I'm getting tire, I'm going to post a pic or two, say my gratefuls, and go to bed.

1. I'm grateful for god's love
2. For my mom
3. For my nurse Jesse.
4. For my stepdaughter, Elizabeth. She's going to have a baby! Yay
5. Aunt Kim. She gives me great "good morning" texts.

I'm getting there!

I just figured out how to blog from my phone. Yay! It seems so much less intimidating.

My word for the year is courage. I have a lot of fears in so many areas of my life so this word is perfect. I haven't shown people who are also crafters my art. I'm intimidated. I know I shouldn't be. Art should be the creation which makes me happy. I'll work on it. I need courage to fight my depression and health problems also. It's scary when I can't catch my breath or when it feels like my meds in my pump aren't working. I'm not ready to die. I have a lot to do first. I'm still figuring myself out.

I'm taking my first art class ever, and I'm so excited! It's called "Letter Love 201"by Joann Sharpe. It's great. We art making art using our own handwriting. I also signed up for another class by someone else but the name has slipped my mind temporarily I hope.

This is my first pic of a mixed media piece on canvas I did for a friend of mine inspired by Christy Tomlinson. She's an awesome artist. I watch her tutorials on YouTube all the time. I hope everyone likes it. My friend, Lindsey, loved it.

I almost forgot to say what I'm grateful for.
1. My church family- when they say they're going to pray for you, they mean it.
2. My nieces and nephews.
3. Courage
4. My Dad
5. Patience

Well, it's pretty obvious that this approach of accountability is not working for me.  I haven't been on my blog in a very long time.  I have been under the weather a lot this last year.  I'm weak and tired all the time.  I still love to make art in my craft room when I have the energy todo so.  Right now I am still working on Christmas presents.  I've decided to start posting pics of my art and craft projects on my blog so that I can share them with family and friends as soon as I figure it out.  I don't know how often I'm going to blog.  I'll see as I go. 

1. So grateful for all the artist who share their art and techniques on the internet.
2. Thankful for my family. They are so understanding of how slow i am getting their presents to them. lol
3. The nice sunny weather we are having today.
4. The morals and values my parents have gifted me.
5. My friends on facebook. I love the encouragement and laughs I get with friends that I normally wouldn't have contact with if there wasn't facebook.  They brighten my day.

I'm so bored!  I haven't felt like doing anything in my craftroom because I've been sick, so I've have just been sitting on my couch drawing and facebooking. It's easy to draw because I can sit with my feet up and not move around too much.  Mom is out of town.  That is a big reason for my boredom.  We always have a routine for the evenings.   I miss her.  It feels weird being here alone.  Mac is here, but he stays in his cave and garage all day and evening, so I feel like I'm on my own.  Actually I feel like a teenager wondering what exciting things I can do while she's away, but the excitement stops there because I've gotton pretty boring in my "old" age. lol  Seriously, I like feeling like I'm on my own every once in a while.  I'm 41 yrs. old and I live with my parents.  I like staying with them but I also feel like I'm missing out on having my own place with my own belongings, and my own rules.  I never have the desire to walk around naked, but if I had my own place I could.  Just a thought.  One day, who knows, maybe I'll be well and live whereever I want.  If I could live whereever I wanted I would live close to my parents. That's funny and cool that I just realized that.  Next time I get winey about not having my own place, I'll just remind myself of this conversation.  There is a reason for everything.  Nothing happens by accident.  I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be until God moves me to where he wants me at that moment in time.


1. grateful for a good cozy place to live
2. grateful for my aunt kim
3. grateful for Tyler, little boy who spends time with me
4. grateful for the rain
5. grateful God is in control

Thanx for reading!

wow!  I haven't written in a very long time.  I got  sidetracked I guess.  I've been working in my craftroom some and resting a lot.  That's ok.  Maybe I'm resting up because something exciting is going to happen and I need all my strength! LOL
     I've been struggling a lot this year with shingles and ear infections.  Shingles are so painful!  I don't know how many breakouts I've had this year, but I know it was a lot.  I haven't had any in at least a month, and the pain is finally gone.  Thank you God!!  Everything is a lesson or a blessing, and the shingles were a lesson.  I was able to work on my anxiety while I had them, and I learned to talk myself through the attacks.  I prayed mostly so it was really God not me! Have to give credit where credit is due!!
    I'm learning about art.  Everything I can learn free on youtube or other websites is what I've been focusing on.  I love mixed media art.  I have to remember that in art there are no rules.  I don't have to follow any lines.  It's hard to do.  I keep telling myself, "You can do what ever you want, remember?".  Then I usually answer myself with "Oh, yeah, so what now?"  I'm looking for my creativity.  I'm not sure where it's hiding. lol
    Of course, I have a lot to be greatful for:

1. My beautiful mother
2. The beautiful green landscape that we've had this spring
3. trees, I love trees, I'm an oak, standing strong.
4. my Grandpa and Grandma, they are awesome examples of  spirituality
5. Actually, my whole family!  I love my family and am greatful for everyone of them

Thanks for reading!

Michelle

Anger

I haven't written in a long time.  I need my journaling.  It always helps me feel better.  I haven't felt good in a while.  It makes me depressed.  It's frustrating.  I don't want to be a whiner but I'm going to pretend that noone else can read this and say whatever I want.  Tonight is my night to let loose and feel sorry for myself.

Dear God,

Why does it have to be this way?  I'm so tired and frustrated!  There is so much to do and I'm not getting anything done.  I'm sorry I'm not as focused on you as I should be right now.  I'm just angry.  I want to drive.  I want to have a normal healthy relationship with a man.  I run out of breath laughing.  I can't sing anymore.  Why? Why? Why?  I know you have the answer.  You are sooo powerful, you can do anything you want.  What good is it doing  me right now?  I just want one week of good health.  I believe with all my heart that you can heal me.  I'll beg you.  I'm not above that.  Please, please, please!!!  I'm begging you now.  I don't want to bear this anymore.  I'm so tired.  Every day I worry that my pump is going to stop or my heart is going to say no more.  I've tried to turn this fear over to you for so many years.  I think I'm ok and then wham! My anxiety comes back.  No more!!  I've had it!  I don't care right now.  Whatever!

I don't have a gratitude list today.  Today I don't care.

I'll feel better tomorrow.  Sometimes I have to blow off steam.  He understands.