Catching up

Hello, hello! It's time for some catching up! Plans for my lung transplant/ heart surgery might be changing. The California docs recommended a biopsy of the tumor and a heart and lung transplant. I was shocked when my nurse told me this. It took me a day or two to absorb the info and to be ok with it. I know God is taking care of me and I believe I am following his plan for me. 

So, I had the biopsy and when I visited with my cardiologist I asked him exactly how big the tumor is, and he said it takes up 3/4 of my right atrium. In my last blog entry I called it an aorta. It's the atrium. The size is a little bigger than I assumed it was. It makes me even more ready to do whatever I need done to get this thing out of me, get new lungs and start getting healthy!  

Right now I have no idea exactly what my doctors are going to decide to do. 

1. Heart and lung transplant 

2. Lung transplant with heart surgery

3. Open heart surgery only for now

Who knows? Maybe God will heal me before they make a decision. Wouldn't that be awesome! However he heals me is awesome. He has given me wonderful doctors and such a huge support system. He takes great care of me. I'm not even afraid of what is to come if transplants is the final decision. 

No matter what is to come, I want to glorify God. He is so great and I want to show him how much I love him. I want to live for him, so that one day I can live with him. I am so blessed! It feels so good to have the peace I feel today. I'm ok with whatever happens. 

1. Thankful for God's love

2. Thankful for patience

3. Thankful for my Aunt Nancy finally being at peace (she passed away last Sunday)

4. Thankful for my friend Ben

5. Thankful my sis and her family got to come home for a couple of days

Here's a few projects that I've done. 

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote. Doctor appointments, me not feeling well, lots of stress and pain are what's been going on.

I saw my pulmonologist and had a heart scan a couple weeks ago. My dr appt was just a check up. I couldn't finish the 6 minute walk, but the weather was bad and it was bothering my asthma. I Found out that, for certain, they can do lung transplant and open heart surgery simultaneously in Oklahoma City. Yay!

The next day I had my heart scan. It wasn't too bad. It didn't take very long to complete it. They say my tumor takes up a considerable amount of my right aorta. That scares me, but I'm trusting God and I know he is taking care of me and will lead me on the path that he wants me to follow. Doctor sent my heart file and scans to a Cardiovascular surgeon in California for a second opinion. They want to know what is the best course of action for my heart and lungs. They might decide that I need to get on transplant list as soon as possible or decide that, maybe, a specialist can get to it, the tumor, through my vains. I don't know. I'm just going to follow the path.

Lots of info, I know. I have been working on a few projects when I can. I colored a face I drew for the first time. I liked it. I still have a long ways to go to be good at it, but it's a start.

1. I'm grateful that all these specialists work together to give me the best care they can give.
2. Grateful my sis and her family are coming home for Pioneer Days this weekend
3. Thankful for all the prayers I'm getting
4. Thankful for all the great teachers I had growing up
5. Thankful that I knew Phyllis and JD Ford.

Live for today

Hello! I've been having some really great days. I have so many people praying with me and for me. It's truly amazing how loving and caring my friends are. God is so good! I love my church! Everyone is so awesome!

The Easter play at church could not have been any more perfect! Everyone did a great job. I went to the dress rehearsal since I probably wouldn't make it to church on Sunday morning.

I've been playing in my craft room quite a bit. Jaci did such a good job organizing it for me. As soon as my new desk gets put together, I'll put up some pics.

Me and two of my friends are making our own prayer journals. We got together one day last week and worked on them. Time goes by so fast when we're talking and creating! Lol. We didn't get hardly anything done, it didn't look like ,but we had the best time just being together. We talked about our journeys that brought us to where we were right now in our spiritual lives.

I think my spiritual journey really started when I quit drinking. That is when I started praying more and trying to live with God in charge of my life instead of me.

I'm so glad I had this conscious contact with God before I got sick. I don't know what would have happened otherwise. It scares me to think about it. I probably would have taken my own life.

There are so many added responsibilities when you have a major illness like Pulmonary Hypertension. Trying to keep track of all medications, dr appts., liquid intake, diet, blood tests and other tests is not always easy. It can be very stressful and frustrating. I have to have God to lean on and to help me through it so that i dont go crazy. Thank goodness he gave me my mom and the rest of my family and friends. I have a lot of people I can turn to for help.

I'm so thankful for my life. I like it. It may not be the easiest or the most exciting way to live, but I am happy and content today. What more can I ask for. As long as I live for today I am ok. I'm in good hands and if I have an immediate problem, I know the man upstairs will gladly take care of it for me.

I hope today was good for you too!

Stop talking already!

I'm sitting on the couch all cuddled with my blanket and pillow. Very cozy! It's just me tonight. Mom is in Denver staying with my sister, Misty. She is also there to pick up our new car. I am sooooo excited! I've always wanted a Lincoln. Even before I was old enough to drive, I wanted one. I know a lot of people have heard me tell this before, but I'll tell it just one more time for those of you who haven't heard

When I was younger I wanted a Lincoln so bad and, of course, being young and dumb I didn't have any concept of money. I thought when I got old enough things would just fall into place. So I told my parents on more than one occasion that I was NOT going to get a car until I could get a Lincoln. Everybody laughed at me. I didn't know what their problem was. Lol

Oh to be younger again. I want to write about my memories so my family and friends will have them when I'm gone. I thought I would start tonight with one or two. I guess I've already started with the story I just told.

One thing I wanted to say tonight before I forget. I love to talk. In person or on the phone, it doesn't matter. I've always been a talker. Whenever I would get in trouble at school, it was because I was talking when I shouldn't. Sometimes I would talk so much I would get on my own nerves!

But now, I don't talk near as much. I noticed it about 6 months ago. I was avoiding calling my family and friends, and I didn't understand why at first. I know that sounds weird. I do a lot of odd things because of my lung disease. Anyway, I started paying more attention to my body and finally figured out that talking makes me so tired. It's so irritating. I have a lot to say. I feel so bad for not staying in touch with people better, but that is why. It wears me out. But, luckily, I can txt and type.

Ok. I thought of a memory to share. One of my favorite things to do when I was growing up is dancing on Saturday mornings to the tv show American Bandstand. It was so fun. Mom, Misty, and I would dance around the living room. We even got a picture of us in action. Michael was there too. He was only about 2 or 3 at the time that pic was taken.

That was such a carefree time in my life, before boobs and boys. Lol. Yep! I said it. It's the truth. Once those two things come into your life, your childhood is over. Hello puberty!

1. Thankful I have good memories
2. Grateful for my stepmom, Connie.
3. Thankful for my friend, Summer
4. Grateful it's the weekend
5. Thankful that I am able to take naps on the couch. 4years ago I layed down on the couch and took a nap for the first time since 1999. It was wonderful! That's a whole other story.

Sweet dreams!

Things are looking up!

I am feeling so much better since Thursday night at Lift. We played Bingo after we ate, and we laughed and laughed. It feels so good to have wonderful, God-loving girlfriends. After lift was over the girls prayed with me. I really needed that. Then, we talked. I'm so much happier. The prayers are working.

Friday, I had my weekly visit with Brenda and Joan. I met Joan's son Ben. We all visited for a while and laughed. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do. It was such an uplifting visit.

I think one thing that gets me down is not having contact with adults all day. Sometimes I don't talk to anyone except my mom or papa all day. I like them well enough, but I definitely need more adult interaction.

Last night I actually put on makeup and dressed nicely to go to NRA banquet. It's been a while since I've worn any makeup. There were 700 people at the banquet. I couldn't believe it. They fed us all. It was some good barbque from Kim's Ribs. I think that's the name.

I visited with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Jodi. We've been friends since 4th grade. We did everything together growing up. Yes, we even got in trouble together. So many good memories! I love her a lot. We may not see each other very often, but she's still one of my best friends, more like a sister, I think.

No matter how bad my depression sometimes gets, I still love my life. I like being me. Is that crazy? Of course I would rather be well, but I'm ok as I am. I can deal with the bad as long as I have God. Besides, it's more good than bad. He provides me what I need. Amen!

1. I'm grateful for Jodi
2. Grateful for Lift
3. Thankful for positive attitude
4. Thankful for knowing God
5. Thankful for waking up this morning!

A new day

I feel a little better today. It helps to write about whatever is bothering me. I'm up and moving around the house. I'm going to get out of my pj's, check my email, and work on a project that's stuck in my head.

I'm going to Lift group at church tonight. It will be good for me to be around my girlfriends. They will help me "lift" my spirit.

Have a good day everyone.

the "What if's?"

I'm so sad tonight. My depression is bad right now. I try to hide it from everyone. I don't like to show my weaknesses. I don't want people to think I don't have faith in God or that I don't mean the positive statements I make.

I want to be a good example. I wonder what God wants me to do for him since I'm still alive. I've always believed it's to bring people closer to God by sharing my experiences. I feel like I'm failing right now, today, anyway. My feelings change from day to day.

I'm glad I can't see anyone while I'm writing this. I don't think I could admit my feelings directly to you.

I haven't changed out of my pj's in two days, or combed my hair. I've hardly moved from the couch and my muscles are getting so weak. I feel tired all the time. I don't want to find out if my tumor has grown. It's stressful and overwhelming to think about. There are so many "what if's". What if the tumor has grown a lot? What if they won't do open heart surgery when I have my lung transplant? What if I have to move out of state? What if I'm not strong enough to handle all of this?

I know God can take care of this for me. He is taking care of it. Why is it so hard to let go? Why do I hang on to this fear and depression? I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life.

I know my feelings are temporary. I have good days too. I have to pull myself out of this funk. I am strong. I am in good hands. God is my rock. He will carry me through this. I have to believe this becuz it's the truth!

1. I'm thankful for God's love
2. Thankful for all the people who pray for me
3. Thankful for my sister, misty.
4. Thankful for Claudette
5. Thankful for Psalms

Thank you for reading.